In an exciting new development, the President of the United States, Barack Obama, today announced an innovative new plan to replace Congress with mechanical robots by 2025.
“Let me be clear about this,” the President stated. “We are not getting rid of Congress. Congressmen and Congresswomen will continue to exist on the books, and they will continue to collect their paychecks,” he clarified to the relief of all Government employees listening.
“In recognition, however, that for the past many decades Congress has voted exclusively along party lines, it is obvious that there is no actual benefit of having humans do the voting,” pointed out the President. “Why burden existing Congressfolks with a tiresome duty that a simple mechanical device can perform!”
“Voting will be done quickly and efficiently by robots,” continued Obama. “These robots will physically occupy the seats of the chamber day and night, weekdays and weekends. They will not have to take breaks or go home.”
The President acknowledged, however, that despite the increased efficiency, he did not expect for Congress to accomplish much more than they get accomplished today.
“We are not naïve,” he said. “We will continue to be in the same gridlock as we have been up to until now, with no chances of getting past it. This gridlock will continue to completely ignore the needs of the American people, which appears to have been the main accomplishment of the current Congress.”
“But,” he said, “at least one important result will be achieved. This gridlock will finally cease to waste the time of the participants in it, who have been most unhappy about the time they have had to put in during their working hours.”
“While the critical issues this country is facing will continue to remain unresolved,” admitted the President, “it will only be the American People who will suffer. Congress, who doesn’t care and has never cared about the American people anyway, will be relieved of their unnecessary burden, so they can enjoy the time they are getting paid for by playing golf or watching NASCAR racing.”
The plans had already been drafted by a bipartisan committee, and experts have determined that devices with approximately half a megabyte of memory should suffice to perform all duties currently performed by human Congressfolks.
In a rare show of unanimous agreement, both Democrats and Republicans have pledged full support for the President’s proposal.
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