Congress to be Replaced by Robots by 2025

In an exciting new development, the President of the United States, Barack Obama, today announced an innovative new plan to replace Congress with mechanical robots by 2025.

“Let me be clear about this,” the President stated. “We are not getting rid of Congress. Congressmen and Congresswomen will continue to exist on the books, and they will continue to collect their paychecks,” he clarified to the relief of all Government employees listening.

“In recognition, however, that for the past many decades Congress has voted exclusively along party lines, it is obvious that there is no actual benefit of having humans do the voting,” pointed out the President. “Why burden existing Congressfolks with a tiresome duty that a simple mechanical device can perform!”

“Voting will be done quickly and efficiently by robots,” continued Obama. “These robots will physically occupy the seats of the chamber day and night, weekdays and weekends. They will not have to take breaks or go home.”

The President acknowledged, however, that despite the increased efficiency, he did not expect for Congress to accomplish much more than they get accomplished today.

“We are not naïve,” he said. “We will continue to be in the same gridlock as we have been up to until now, with no chances of getting past it. This gridlock will continue to completely ignore the needs of the American people, which appears to have been the main accomplishment of the current Congress.”

“But,” he said, “at least one important result will be achieved. This gridlock will finally cease to waste the time of the participants in it, who have been most unhappy about the time they have had to put in during their working hours.”

“While the critical issues this country is facing will continue to remain unresolved,” admitted the President, “it will only be the American People who will suffer. Congress, who doesn’t care and has never cared about the American people anyway, will be relieved of their unnecessary burden, so they can enjoy the time they are getting paid for by playing golf or watching NASCAR racing.”

The plans had already been drafted by a bipartisan committee, and experts have determined that devices with approximately half a megabyte of memory should suffice to perform all duties currently performed by human Congressfolks.

In a rare show of unanimous agreement, both Democrats and Republicans have pledged full support for the President’s proposal.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Also related: U.S. Senate Rejects Theory of Relativity in 50-49 Vote

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Random Non-Experts Weigh in Heavily on Non-Existence of Climate Change

Random non-experts, who have been completely unfamiliar with the issue, and have spent no time at all trying to understand the complexity of it, weighed in heavily towards the assertion that climate change does not exist, and, in addition, it is not man made.

“There ain’t no such thing,” said Alicia Butts from Eagle Mountain, Utah, who works as a part-time waitress at Arby’s. Asked if she would change her opinion if we left her a 20% tip, she acquiesced, “Sure, honey, whatever suits you.”

Todd Akin, a graduate of the Covenant Theological Seminary in Creve Coeur, MO, also shared his views. “The sun itself has variable output, which affects temperature cycles [1],” he said. “Although this is not true at night,” he clarified.

Miss South Carolina 2007, a former beauty queen who had been known to entertain complex opinions, spoke eloquently, and with grace: “I personally believe,” she said, “that things such as, are unable to do so. The U.S. should do more to help the U.S.” she recommended.

The issue did not slip away from national political discussions either. Presidential candidate Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz, who for some reason still believes he is eligible to run for President despite the fact that he is born in Canada, also expressed his strong opinion. “The Holy Book has no mention of climate change,” he said. “I will repeal climate change the first day I am in office,” he promised, even though he can never be elected according to the Constitution.

Clyde Hogan, a resident of the Roll-a-Home trailer park in Cripple Creek, CO, was the most expressive of all of them. He stated his beliefs on the matter by posing a rhetorical question. “What the f*ck you talkin about,” he asked, deftly rejecting the idea via implicit dismissal.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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  1. This first part is actually a real quote by Todd Akin, a former U.S. Representative from the state of Missouri, who knows just as much about climate change as Miss South Carolina knows about analytical geometry: https://www.skepticalscience.com/skepticquotes.php?s=56

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Related: U.S. Senate Rejects Theory of Relativity in 50-49 Vote

 

Miss South Carolina 2007 Endorses Donald Trump

In a show of unwavering support, Miss South Carolina 2007, who won the hearts of millions of Republican voters back during the 2007 Miss Teen USA Pageant, endorsed Presidential Candidate Donald John Trump, while responding to a provoking question whether she thinks he is “all over the map.”

“I personally believe,” she said in a televised statement, “that U.S. Americans don’t even need maps such as. But still, they should vote for Trump, because of that, or else they will be unable to do so,” she stated.

“Also,” she said, “countries such as South Africa and the Iraq, everywhere like such as, should also vote for him, because we want World Peace.”

Source: Miss Teen USA South Carolina Answers a Question

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Fox News Announces O’Malley Winner of Sunday Democratic Debate

Following on what it called the “procedural and regrettably compulsory Democratic debate” on NBC on Sunday night, Rupert Murdoch’s Fox News Channel today announced that a poll conducted by the network had revealed Democratic Presidential candidate Martin Joseph O’Malley to be the undisputed winner of the debate.

“Well, as much as one can be called a winner among this group,” stated Fox News TV host Sean Patrick Hannity, who is the host of the show Hannity named aptly after his last name.

Fox News anchor Chris Wallace, who has spent the last 11 years of his life covering every single political event in American politics, also mentioned the debate.

“O’Malley came in the least weak of the three or four candidates, and his message resonated with the small group of Americans who vote for Democrats,” he said, though he admitted that he only watched part of the debate, since he had to wake up early the next day.

Little was mentioned by Fox News about the other candidates who participated in the debate.

“Whoever they were,” said Fox News anchor and senior political analyst Brit Hume, “they left no impression.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Tom Cruise Discovers Evidence of Extraterrestrial Life

In a surprise announcement today, Thomas (“Tom”) Cruise Mapother IV revealed that he has definitive proof of the existence of extraterrestrial life.

“It’s clear if you know where to look,” shared the Mission Impossible action star confidentially.

We wanted to know what helped the reclusive actor gain insight into something that the rest of mankind had been failing to prove, despite the work of many competent scientists.

“I’ve got access to classified information,” said Mr. Cruise mysteriously.

We urged him to provide details.

“Ok,” he agreed reluctantly. “I’ve stumbled on a secret TV transmission,” he admitted. “One of the channels on my TV somehow got a signal from a secret government research. That research is done by two FBI agents, who just know everything about aliens.”

We asked if Mr. Cruise is referring to the popular TV Series The X-files with protagonists Mulder and Scully.

“Shhhh,” nearly panicked Cruise. “No one is supposed to know about that. I don’t know how you got that classified information, but now that you know, your lives might be in danger.”

We thanked him for his time.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Note: This article pays tribute to the upcoming reboot of the X-files. Fans of the show can check out the following promoted sources: