Analysis: Ted Finally Gets it Right!

Republican National Convention 2016 in Cleveland, OH, could one day be viewed as a turning point in the career of U.S. Senator and former Republican Presidential candidate Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz.

It is during this convention when Cruz, being one of the few speakers outside of Donald Trump’s immediate family whom Republicans had been able to convince to give a speech, apparently made his first ever accurate and politically insightful statement.

“Vote your conscience!” said Cruz in an uncharacteristic bout of lucidity and vision.

Political Analyst and NSN reporter Jerald Lindgren was the first one to notice the unexpected event.

“Amazing, amazing!” he tweeted shortly after the statement, not being able to contain his excitement. “Cruz. No one expected! So soon! Turning point!”

It is unclear whether Cruz was aware of the uncharacteristic depth of what he had just said, or whether the spontaneous statement had come as a surprise to him too. He has, after all, been in Politics for more than 17 years. It is possible that all these years of experience had finally rewarded him, resulting in his first ever true statement. But then again, it is also possible that his statement had been pure luck of the moment.

Irrespective, in a Convention dominated by anger, paranoia and lies, Mr. Cruz’ statement stands as a lone beacon of truth and sanity.

Congratulations to Mr. Ted Cruz for being, for the first time ever, right!

– – –

News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness. As is the case for this post, it is frequently based on real news, and not that far from it.

Advertisements

CNN Hosts Semi-Final of America’s First Unattractive Male Pageant

On Tuesday, CNN hosted the semi-final of the first of its kind Unattractive Male Pageant. Three finalists stood out from the crowd of 17 initial contestants which have been competing for the title starting several months back.

The Unattractive Male Pageant is a concept derived from previously held Beauty Pageants, but, as the title suggests, the contestants compete based on criteria that are the exact opposite of those typical in Beauty Pageants. Candidates are expected to not only look their worst, but to also demonstrate lack of any discernible talents and empathy on any humanitarian issue.

Voting for which one of the three semi-finalists is the ugliest will continue over the next several months. Voters are taking into account not only how repulsive the contestant’s appearance is, but also how ugly and revolting their personalities are.

The goal of the Pageant is to crown the least attractive of all contestants as the Ugly King.

The contestants have done an excellent job of disgusting American audiences so far. The race is expected to be tight.

– – –

News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

– – –

Also relevant:

Democrats Distracting Americans from Most Relevant Issues

On Friday, March 25, 2016, political analyst Chris Wallace of Fox News discussed the stark differences between the topics of discussion in Democratic vs Republican debates.

“Look,” he said, “Democratic debates are a sham, a distraction. Democrats keep bringing up irrelevant topics such as Education, Health Care and Global Warming.”

“Effectively,” he said, “Democrats are hoping to divert the attention of the American public from the most pertinent and urgent issues facing our country, namely, which Presidential candidate has a larger penis, and who has a prettier wife,” said Wallace.

“It is alarming,” he said, “that there are people in our country who are easily fooled by the Democratic political manipulations. It is our responsibility to ensure that Americans are focused on the issues that matter most.”

Wallace vowed, that Fox News will not betray Americans like other news networks do. Their coverage of the penis sizes of the candidates, and the looks of their wives will continue to keep Americans informed, so they can make the right choice on Election Day.

– – –

News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

– – –

Also relevant:

Generous Donor Donates Brain to Ted Cruz

Too little, too late, lamented Canadian Cuban Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz, who is trailing by a significant margin to reality TV entertainer Donald John Trump in the race for the Republican nomination for the U.S. Presidency.

Cruz has been struggling to get the support needed for his campaign to take off. Republican donors, who had previously thrown their weight behind establishment candidate Jeb Bush, raising more than 130 million for his candidacy, had swiftly switched to supporting another failing candidate, Marco Rubio of Florida, after Bush failed to muster the interest to run for President. They have indicated that their next favorite candidate would be John Kasich, if or when Rubio decides to bow out of the race.

An unexpected donor surprised a disheartened Mr. Cruz. He did not offer money,  which would have been Mr. Cruz’ preference, since money would allow him to purchase votes. Republican votes currently sell at close to $3 per vote.

Instead, the donor, identified only by the name B. Carson, offered to donate what he called a “large, healthy brain, which Mr. Cruz might find useful.”

“No, not my brain,” laughed the mysterious Carson, careful not to reveal his identity. “My brain would be of no value to Mr. Cruz, who already has one like mine, and it hasn’t done him any good. I am offering a completely different brain,” he said.

He declined to give further details, as he feared what he referred to as “unwelcome questions and unintended consequences.”

Mr. Carson, who would not reveal his first name to protect his identity, is rumored to be a former brain surgeon, so, his offer is believed to be a genuine one.

– – –

News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

– – –

Also relevant:

Fox News to Support Cruz and Rubio for a Little Bit Longer

Fox News, the network that most accurately expresses the opinions of those who pay them to express these opinions, today stated that it would continue to support the two candidates that it has been paid to support at the moment, the Cuban Canadian Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz, and the Cuban American Marco Antonio Rubio.

“Unfortunately, we can no longer throw our support behind John Ellis “Jeb” Bush,” lamented Fox News TV anchor Chris Wallace, “who was the candidate we had been paid to support up to until now. With the withdrawal of Mr. Bush from the race, this revenue stream has dried up.”

“We are, therefore, switching to the next best alternatives we have been paid to promote, namely, Mr. Cruz and Mr. Rubio.”

Pressed to comment on the unexpected surge of the TV reality show star Donald John Trump, Fox News threaded carefully.

“Well, look,” said Fox News TV Host Sean Patrick Hannity. “We have been told explicitly up to until now that Mr. Trump does not represent the views of those who have been paying us. However, we have to acknowledge, that sooner or later, those who have been paying us will have no choice, but to start supporting him, or face someone with innovative and progressive views to become President. With such a lack of choice, we expect to be paid to support Mr. Trump soon, in about a week or so.”

“It is therefore important,” said Hannity, “that we switch immediately from heavily criticizing Trump for his Nazi views, to casually reporting on him in an intentionally neutral way, while Mr. Cruz and Mr. Rubio continue to hope for a miracle that would bring them ahead in this competition.”

“When the week is over,” said Hannity, “and the money we’ve been paid to promote Cruz and Rubio also dries up, we will start our enthusiastic coverage of Mr. Trump, who, we expect, will become the unwitting only hope for those who pay for our opinions.”

– – –

News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Ted Cruz: Obama Responsible for Scalia’s Death

There is a reason why an autopsy would not be performed on the late Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court Antonin Gregory Scalia, who died unexpectedly in Texas on February 12, 2016. At least one of the Republican Presidential hopefuls, the Cuban-Canadian Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz, claims to know the answers regarding his death, which many have been trying to find.

“If an autopsy were performed, it would reveal the truth, which has been suppressed to mislead the American people,” Mr. Cruz stated on Fox News on President’s Day.

Prompted to share what he knows, Cruz looked directly into the camera and said. “Scalia died because of Obama. His death at this convenient for Obama time was no accident.”

Fox News was intrigued by the audacious accusation. “Mr. Cruz, what you are suggesting is most interesting,” echoed conservative TV host Sean Patrick Hannity. “Can you share your insights with our eager to know the truth viewers?”

“Let’s start with the obvious,” said Cruz. “No one that weahtly and powerful dies at the young age of 79.”

“That’s true,” Hannity nodded.

“Secondly,” said the Cuban-Canadian, “Scalia was a true patriot and a pillar of conservative values. He was someone we trusted to vote as we told him to vote. If he had died on his own terms, or on ours, he would have timed his death differently. He would have waited until I become President.”

“True again,” said Hannity.

“And thirdly,” Cruz concluded, “The person responsible for such a death is typically the person who benefits most from the death. In the case of Justice Scalia, the person who benefits most is, without question, our so-called ‘president’. Whom I plan to replace soon by the way,” he added.

“The implications of what you are saying could be very serious,” cautioned Hannity. “Do you have any proof?”

“I can provide proof if needed,” said Cruz. “The guy who has been providing proof for the non-existence of Global Warming is already working on a story that half of Congress would buy without questioning.”

“Anything else you would like to share with our viewers, Mr. Cruz?” asked Hannity.

“Obama killed Scalia!” concluded Cruz, addressing the American people. “He should be impeached. When I become President, I plan to repeal his heinous act in my first day of office.”

“I will bring Scalia back,” he vowed. “That’s a promise!”

– – –

News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Republican Presidential Candidates Successfully Find Their Podiums

Republican Presidential candidates have surely come a long way: from a group of confused, disoriented contenders, to a group that can more or less find its way to the debate podium.

Their pre-debate walk to the podium before the Tuesday New Hampshire Primary was not without some amount of challenge. Ben Carson, the candidate who no one quite understands how he had actually been a brain surgeon at some point, stood still on the side of the stage instead of walking to the podium as he had been expected to do when his name was called. Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz, the Cuban Canadian who for some reason still believes he might be eligible to run for President, triumphantly walked past Carson, declaring victory to his supporters. Donald Trump, encouraged by Cruz’ blazing rush, took strategic position next to Carson, ready to storm to the stage while the name of water drinking Marco Rubio was being called out. No one seemed to remember what the name of the last candidate was, until someone looked it up.

Still, in less than three minutes, a record time for that group, the seven presidential candidates successfully took their positions at the debate stage, ready to discuss issues even more important than podium positioning.

Watch video of debate entrance

“We are proud of them,” said Fox News anchor Chris Wallace, who is being paid to ensure that the only Republicans are elected to office. “If they can learn how to walk when their names are called out, they can learn anything. The sky is the limit.”

– – –

News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Donald Trump Expands Wall Plans

Today, Republican Presidential Candidate Donald John Trump unveiled updated new plan for building walls that had become the centerpiece of his presidential platform. The new plan involves the immediate construction of a wall securing the U.S. border with Canada.

“We have underestimated the danger that Canadian immigrants pose to my country,” he said, emphasizing the possessive pronoun. “You open the border, and immediately some Cuban Canadian comes in and tries to steal my job.”

The urgency of the new plan was apparently due to what Trump referred to as “re-prioritization.” He gave no further explanation.

– – –

News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Random Non-Experts Weigh in Heavily on Non-Existence of Climate Change

Random non-experts, who have been completely unfamiliar with the issue, and have spent no time at all trying to understand the complexity of it, weighed in heavily towards the assertion that climate change does not exist, and, in addition, it is not man made.

“There ain’t no such thing,” said Alicia Butts from Eagle Mountain, Utah, who works as a part-time waitress at Arby’s. Asked if she would change her opinion if we left her a 20% tip, she acquiesced, “Sure, honey, whatever suits you.”

Todd Akin, a graduate of the Covenant Theological Seminary in Creve Coeur, MO, also shared his views. “The sun itself has variable output, which affects temperature cycles [1],” he said. “Although this is not true at night,” he clarified.

Miss South Carolina 2007, a former beauty queen who had been known to entertain complex opinions, spoke eloquently, and with grace: “I personally believe,” she said, “that things such as, are unable to do so. The U.S. should do more to help the U.S.” she recommended.

The issue did not slip away from national political discussions either. Presidential candidate Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz, who for some reason still believes he is eligible to run for President despite the fact that he is born in Canada, also expressed his strong opinion. “The Holy Book has no mention of climate change,” he said. “I will repeal climate change the first day I am in office,” he promised, even though he can never be elected according to the Constitution.

Clyde Hogan, a resident of the Roll-a-Home trailer park in Cripple Creek, CO, was the most expressive of all of them. He stated his beliefs on the matter by posing a rhetorical question. “What the f*ck you talkin about,” he asked, deftly rejecting the idea via implicit dismissal.

– – –

News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

– – –

  1. This first part is actually a real quote by Todd Akin, a former U.S. Representative from the state of Missouri, who knows just as much about climate change as Miss South Carolina knows about analytical geometry: https://www.skepticalscience.com/skepticquotes.php?s=56

– – –

Related: U.S. Senate Rejects Theory of Relativity in 50-49 Vote

 

Ted Cruz: Planned Parenthood Shooting is a Leftist Plot Against My Nomination

GOP Presidential Candidate Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz strongly condemned the mass shooting at a Planned Parenthood location in Colorado Springs on Friday, 10/27, as a “leftist plot against [his presidential] nomination”.

“The goal was to steal my thunder and impact my run for President,” said Cruz, who, for some reason still believes that he is eligible for the nomination despite the fact that he is born in Canada.

We were unclear why Mr. Cruz labeled the shooter “leftist”, since he held  conservative views, believed in the Bible, and expressed un-hidden hatred to current Democratic President Barrack Obama.

“This was just a front,” said Cruz. “A guise, behind which this Marxist operated to try to hide his true identity.”

Cruz based his proof on the unconfirmed rumor that the shooter had apparently registered to vote as female, a mistake he could have easily made by checking the wrong box.

“[The shooter] was hiding his true identity as a woman,” said Cruz, cringing at the word as he usually does when he talks about women. “In the same exact way, he was hiding his left-wing beliefs, pretending to fight for a right-wing cause.”

We were unclear as to why the shooter would have committed his violent act if he really professed left-wing beliefs, which are based on equality, tolerance and choice.

“I already told you,” said Cruz, annoyed that he had to repeat himself. “He was trying to affect my rise to the Presidency. I will be the one to destroy Planned Parenthood, not him.”

Our journalistic crew held a long discussion after the interview, but could not figure out the logic of Mr. Cruz.

Source: http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2015/11/29/3726311/ted-cruz-planned-parenthood-shooting-transgendered/

– – –

News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.