Evolution Noticeably at Work in New York City

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Creationists were dealt a major blow today with the discovery that evolution has been acting observably in the area of New York City.

Many New York City drivers seem to have grown a third hand in their struggle to adapt to their environment.

“At first, I kept switching between the gear and the horn,” recounts New York City driver Amanda Sheffield. “But, I seemed to need to operate both. Together. All the time! And then one day, I noticed it. I had grown a third hand. Driving has been simple since then. Now I use my previous right hand for honking, as nature designed it, and my newly grown right hand for changing the gears.”

Asked what she does with her left hand, she demonstrated.

“Fuck you too!” said a passer by, misunderstanding the gesture to refer to him.

“This is a wonderful demonstration of Evolution at work!” said Evolutionary Biologist Reese Plank. “Only those who are fittest to drive in New York City, namely, those with three hands, are the ones that survived. Everyone else shied away from driving, stayed home, never procreated, and ultimately had their gene pool disappear as unfit.”

Reverend Father Georgious, who has dedicated his life to teaching Creationism, could not be reached for comment. 12 year old Josh, who has been his “altar boy” for the past 4 years, spoke instead of him when cornered by a group of journalists. “I think God created these extra hands,” Josh said, “just as he makes hairs grow in strange places, which then need to be blessed and purged.”

The Government has appealed to the public to refrain from further inquiries. They swear in their honesty that the strange phenomenon is by no means related to recent increase of sales of weapons-grade Uranium to households that can afford it.

(See completely unrelated article on Weapons-Grade Uranium Sales in Texas)

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that likes to, well, make fun of things.

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Oldest Dinosaur Fossil Discovered under a Church in Salt Lake City Utah

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A 235 million-years-old fossil of a triceratops was accidentally found under the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Salt Lake City, UT, during planned work to re-enforce the foundation of this magnificent historic building.

“This did not happen,” announced Reverend Thomas Winterton. “No one has found anything this old, because nothing this old exists. Everyone knows that the world was created a little over 6000 years ago.”

“This being said,” said Winterton, “the construction crew working on the foundation of the church did find some bones.”

What kind of creature were these bones from?

“They said they are from some kind of a dinosaur.”

But dinosaurs went extinct on Earth some 65 million years ago?

“No, they didn’t. 65 million years ago, there weren’t any dinosaurs, because there was nothing at that time. The world was created 6000 years ago.”

So, you are saying that this dinosaur was a recent one?

“It must have been. If you think about it, there’s no other option. The world was created 6000 years ago, so, this creature must have lived later than that.”

Carbon analysis of the bones seems to indicate that they are 235 million years old.

“It must be wrong. The world didn’t exist 235 million years ago, since it was created only 6000 years ago.”

Are you saying that carbon decay is not a reliable way to judge age?

“What I am saying is that there’s obviously something wrong with that calculation. The world was created 6000 years ago, so, the analysis must have been done incorrectly.”

Carbon analysis was used to determine the age of the Shroud of Turin. Can we trust these findings?

“That’s different. In this case, the calculation matches our knowledge. It doesn’t contradict the notion that the world was created 6000 years ago. So, it must be correct.”

What is the importance of the find and how does it impact the church in whose foundation it was discovered?

“It’s a reminder from God that we should question everything that tests our faith and not take anything at face value, especially claims that contradict the notions that we already know to be universally true. Start with what you know, in this case, the undisputed fact that the world was created 6000 years ago, and you should be able to come up with the only logical conclusion that makes sense: nothing 235 million years old was found at the foundations of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Salt Lake City.”

News Sense News is a satirical blog that likes to, well, make fun of things.