State of the Onion Transcript

Onion

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice Speaker, My Fellow Americans.

We are fifteen years past the year 2000, the arbitrary year which is a result of a) deciding to start counting year zero at a random moment in time which some portion of the world believes to have some significance and b) using a decimal system that happens to result in zeroes when we count multiples of 10.

Yet, although we have advanced greatly in many aspects of life, science, medicine and technology, we continue to have a significant part of Americans stuck to beliefs that date to thousands of years back.

There is, for example, the belief that the long term impact of mankind on the environment which is heading to a possible annihilation of our entire species is less significant than the amount of money that goes into the pockets of a handful of overweight, overfed, overindulged individuals.

There is also the belief that the 1791 right of Americans to own a one-shot front-loading musket somehow carries over to a 2015 right to own automatic weapons capable of killing an entire school of children by a single deranged retard.

There also seems to be the belief that women do not deserve to have any right to make decisions about their own bodies, or that they deserve to be raped just because they dared to go to college, or that they should be paid less for performing the same job as a man.

There seems to be a belief that some people have the right to decide who others should love and marry, while they, themselves, would continue to have the chance to love and marry whoever they want (even though most of them are incapable of love, having never experienced it).

But these are all minor things, as they do not in any way impact those who make these decisions.

What matters, is that the Onion continues to add flavor to our salads, and it continues to make those who try to peel it the wrong way shed tears.

My fellow Americans, I am happy to inform you that our Onion remains strong!

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

It is not in any way connected to the Onion to which this article pays tribute because the author has deep appreciation of the excellent work this finest news source is doing in educating Americans of the issues that really matter.

Should Politicians be Allowed to Marry?

Rings

Today, human crowds re-ignited the national debate for whether or not politicians should be allowed to marry.

Marriage is defined as a union between two human beings. As such, it is unclear whether politicians qualify, as they do not strictly fall in that category.

On one hand, many of them look human in appearance, so much so that they may easily be mistaken for actual humans. This, some have argued, is a sufficient basis to allow them to enjoy the institution of marriage, since an outside observer may be left with the impression of normalcy.

On the other hand, politicians behave distinctly opposite to commonsense human norms. They are incapable compassion, understanding, and, more importantly, love. As a result of this, it is unclear whether or not politicians should be allowed to marry, since marriage is an institution designed by humans and for humans, to share love and happiness, qualities which no politician even pretends to possess, or is able to provide.

As the debate rages, there are those who consider such useless discussions a waste of taxpayer money.

“As far as I am concerned,” stated Earl Fletcher, resident of Tadpole, AL, “we should simply round up this useless and repulsive minority, and have them all executed in public, so people’s children think twice before deciding to stray away from the path of being human and decide to become politicians.”

“Couldn’t agree more,” said his neighbor Jane Longdong. “We have tolerated their existence long enough. Enough with lies and corruption. Enough with abuse of power. It is time to reclaim this world for humans only.”

Meanwhile, rumors have been circulating that a small, unnamed European country has officially closed their eyes to politician marriages, causing hundred-fold increase in diplomat visa applications and purchases of one-way plane tickets.