Donald Trump Has Never Heard of the KKK

Republican Presidential Candidate Donald John Trump commented today on CNN on the endorsement he received from the white supremacist group Ku Klux Klan (KKK) by admitting that he is not familiar with the group.

“Kay Kay What?” he asked CNN journalist Jake Tapper who was conducting the interview. “Never even heard of them. What do they do?”

Tapper explained that the KKK is a neo-Nazi white supremacist group that professes hate towards Blacks, Homosexuals, Women, Foreigners, and pretty much anyone who is not an unemployed, uneducated, white male.

“Doesn’t sound familiar,” said Trump.

They wear white robes and pointy white hoods, explained Tapper. They hold armed rallies similar to the rallies of ISIS.

Trump simply shook his head. “I have no idea who you are talking about,” he said.

They used to kill Black men, women and children simply because of the color of their skin, and used to burn crosses. Very recently, the group inspired the terrorist attack on a church in Charleston, South Carolina which killed nine people.

“Sorry,” said Trump. “There are many groups out there. It’s hard to keep track.”

“However,” he said, “I am not even the least bit surprised. Everyone endorses me. People love me. I am the greatest person who ever lived. We will make America great again!”

Listen to the actual interview here.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Texas Cop Not a Racist, Just a Regular Asshole, Attorney Says

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Texas cop David Eric Casebolt, a video of whom surfaced on the Internet showing him running around amok after black teens, ordering them to the ground, pushing a thin black teenage girl onto her face and putting his knee on her back to hold her down, drawing his handgun and pointing it at black teenagers at least twice during the duration of the video, is not a racist, said his attorney Jane Bishkin.

“He enjoys shouting at people and pushing them around in general. Brutality is part of his personality. He does not discriminate by race,” said Mrs. Bishkin. “He’s just a regular asshole. Nothing more to it.”

She plans to use that fact as the central argument in Mr. Casebolt’s defense in the extremely unlikely event that charges are pressed against Mr. Casebolt.

“Being an asshole is not illegal,” she confirmed. “and that’s all that Mr. Casebolt is.”

Mrs. Bishkin plans to draw on numerous examples from Mr. Casebolt’s past to prove her point.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Black Man to be Found Guilty of Being Shot in the Back

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Dead Black man Walter Scott has been charged today for being shot in the back by White police officer Michael Slager.

This unexpected charge comes in the heels of an extraordinary coincidence. Initially, the shooting had drawn no attention, since all that was known was that Mr. Scott had been found lying face down on the ground with his hands handcuffed behind his back, bullet holes on his body.

Later, however, it became clear that someone had videotaped the entire incident. The video answered a lot of questions. Specifically, it became clear that Mr. Scott was not simply lying down, but he had, in fact, been shot in the back while running away unarmed from police officer Mr. Slager.

The video is considered critical evidence and could be used as such if it is in fact permitted to be used in court; the latter is not yet certain because, due to its graphic nature, it may be dismissed so that the sensitivities of the judge and jury are not offended.

If allowed, however, the video will most certainly lead to a conviction, as it shows that Mr. Scott is unquestionably guilty of being shot in the back.

Such conviction, some could argue, may not necessarily lead to closure. Since Mr. Scott is dead, any sentencing will be purely symbolic. Still, what is important here is that justice is served and that Mr. Scott is indeed found guilty of being shot in the back.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It has, at times, taken up raising awareness of social issues that are clearly unacceptable in a civilized world.

The Enchanted Life of Alistair Newton

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On September 5th, 2014, Alistair Newton decided to give up his Atheist beliefs after failing a basic science class.

“I simply stopped questioning everything,” he told a small crowd of curious bystanders attracted by the shiny new camera of our news organization. “And when you have no basic understanding of the world, no explanation of how it functions, the only possible thing to do is stop believing that there is no God.”

Alistair’s profound change of beliefs came as the next step of his otherwise very peculiar life.

He was born in 1969, in a family of rocket scientists. To their great surprise, he immediately spoke. His first words were: “Boy, was this an awesome example of peristaltically-driven squeeze through a narrow elastic channel! Weird, and real tight, but it got me all the Lactobacillus I need. Thanks, Mom! You did an awesome job!”

Not only was Alistair born with a full ability to speak, but he could also read, write, and do multivariable calculus in his head.

Alas, this was the highest form of intellectual accomplishment he would ever achieve, because as soon as he was out of the womb, he started to retrogress. Year over year, he would lose some advanced form of analytical ability. By the age of five, he could no longer manipulate tensors in his head. By the age of ten, he had lost some of his line integration skills. By his mid-twenties, his trigonometry was disappearing at an exponential rate and he was reduced to only being able to do basic high-school algebra.

With the retrogression of his analytical skills came a corresponding retrogression of his belief system. As a kid, Alistair had been a strong proponent of equality and freedom. He respected people’s beliefs, and promoted a philosophy of tolerance and understanding. But as his ability to calculate molar ratios vanished, so did his belief that women should get equal pay at the workplace. As time went by, Alistair lost his understanding that skin color, religion, or sexual orientation are not indications of anyone being less human. While earlier in life he had seen his own Atheist beliefs as a logical, but not superior way of searching for transcendence, by his late 30s he had started to develop distinct hatred towards Muslims and Jews based on his own growing sense of superiority.

His own knowledge and understanding of the world continued to shrink. One day, concerned that he could no longer understand the idea of Gravity, he decided to take a science class at a community college, so he could restore his disappering knowledge.

He took one, and he failed it. He came out of his final exam, lightheaded, confused, and said: “I don’t get it. If the Earth is indeed round like some claim, why don’t people fall off at the other side?”

“There is only one explanation,” he said. “The Earth is not actually round. This is all a lie and a conspiracy perpetuated by a handful of heretics which aim to bring anarchy to the world. The Earth is flat, and it is supported by a giant elephant, who, in turn, balances on the back of an even larger turtle.”

A week later, Alistair decided to give up his Atheist beliefs, and start to profess that there is only one truth that we are not to question and that we should follow blindly, because it is the Way.

There was sadness in his mother’s eyes when we asked her to share her feelings.

“I love him very much,” she said. “He is my son. He has had a very unusual life, and I am grateful for every moment of it. It’s been painful to watch him retrogress, but I suppose life is what it is in its randomness.”

We asked what she thought will happen next.

“I don’t know,” she said. “I suppose he will turn racist, and sexist, and eventually hate everyone and everything.”

We have since heard that Mr. Newton, currently in his mid-fourties, has become a registered member of the Tea Party.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

More Clues on Potential Missouri Cop Killer

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Disturbing new information has come to light as the investigation of the potential cop killer in Missouri progresses.

While the identity of the suspect is still unknown, he is believed to be armed and dangerous. A camera at Pagedale Mall where the suspect had been seen prior to his altercation with police has recorded a grainy image of him carrying what looks like a plastic squirt gun.

“These weapons are very dangerous, because they are easy to conceal,” commented Pagedale police chief Darryl K. Wellson. “They can remain undetected in airport screenings. This suspect can be anywhere right now and still have his weapon on him.”

“Worse still, this suspect could have gone to Texas, bought some weapons-grade uranium from any pharmacy, and filled his weapon with radioactive water, ready to squirt it at any member of the force who stands on his way.”

“Comes to think of it,” he added, “he could probably even fill his weapon with sea water from the Bay Area that has been washing up there from Fukushima.”

“Not that this sea water fact has ever been confirmed by anyone other than the EPA and the IAEA,” he hurried to add, “so, for all we know, these might just be rumors.”

“Well, we could trust the IAEA as far as Iranian nuclear ambitions are concerned,” he addressed our concerns, “but certainly not when they express opinions about the safety of our own Bay Area sea water. They are not trained to make educated statements about the environment. Their expertise is preventing evil dictators from acquiring nuclear weapons.”

“Well, having Texas sell weapons-grade uranium is not the same thing as having an evil Iranian dictator produce it in illegal centrifuges,” he clarified.

“These centrifuges are illegal, because they are produced and sold by the Russians,” clarified Mr. Wellson further. “Not a single dollar of that revenue has come to the U.S. Anything that doesn’t make the U.S. money should be illegal.”

“Yes, true, we don’t make any money by donating millions of dollars of military equipment to rebel groups that destabilize other country’s governments,” Wellson admitted, “but that’s different.”

“Well, it is different. I’m not sure how, but it is. It’s probably tax deductible,” he said.

He waved his hands for silence.

“Ok, enough, enough! I’ve said more than I’m authorized to,” he shouted over the protesting crowd. “To get back to the topic, our suspect whose identity we still don’t know is a four-year-old Black male who was last seen accompanied by a likely related to him Black female in her late 50s. He is known to possess a plastic squirt weapon that has been banned for people of his ethnicity. Our entire force is combing the area inch by inch, and we are confident that we will soon find him and have him shot before he can make any statements to the media that can inflict further damage to the reputation of the Missouri police force.”

“This interview is over!”

He was hurried away before the crowd could ask him any further questions.

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(Related articles: Potential Cop Killer on the Loose, Second Amendment Upheld in Texas)

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims, among other things, to mock and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It has taken a somewhat sudden turn away from its typical lighter tone to address issues of racism and police brutality for which it’s simply unacceptable to keep silent.

Ku Klux Klan Document Reveals Penis Envy to be the Main Reason for Klan

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William and Madison Bailey were in for the surprise of their lives when a condemned house they just purchased in Pulaski, Tennessee was found to contain a cache of old Ku Klux Klan documents dating back to 1864 behind a secret double wall.

The documents seemed to have been written by General George W. Gordon, a Civil War general who practiced law in Pulaski and is considered by many to be the group’s spiritual founder, writing its “Precept”, or constitution, which conceptualized the group’s goals and principles.

Among multiple work-in-progress drafts of the Precept itself, several notebooks were found that appear to have been used by Gordon as a journal or diary. These contain the most valuable information revealing Mr. Gordon’s thoughts and feelings related to the formation of the Klan.

One passage describes Gordon’s moment of “awakening” when he saw a Black man urinate in the bushes.

“That [man’s] penis was so large,” he wrote, “extending more than 6 inches in its flaccid state, that my head began to spin. I compared it to my normal 2.5 inch [penis], which, I know, is the normal size for a man, and it dawned on me that maybe all [Black men] have penises so abnormally large.”

Gordon then made it a goal to find out if his suspicion was true. He followed Black men, drilled peek-holes in the wooden walls of outhouses, and soon had enough visual data that confirmed his theory.

“What I feared most is true,” he wrote in the summer of 1865. “All [Black men] have enormous penises. I have not found even one to be of normal size like mine.”

He shared his discovery with General Nathan Bedford Forrest, a lieutenant general of the Confederate Army who later became the group’s first official leader. Mr. Forrest apparently replied:

“F*ck that sh*t. We gotta put a stop to that.”

That summer, George W. Gordon started to dream of a nation where everyone’s penis was normal size.

“I looked around for a group of like-minded people, and the small and loosely managed KKK founded by a group of veterans of the Confederate army seemed to show most promise,” he wrote.

In 1866, he arranged for a group activity. All existing KKK members would stand in a circle, and urinate together. This, he claims, was the defining moment of the group. This was when he told everyone of the size of Black men’s penises. He found immediate understanding in the group of normal-sized-penises men like himself.

In 1867, the group pledged allegiance to Gordon’s Precept. Their official chapter mandated that only white men were allowed to join the group, but unofficially, there was an additional secret penis-size check for all applicants to ensure that no individuals with “abnormally large” penises would be admitted.

Later that year, following the revelation that some white men did in fact have what he called “Black-sized” penises, the group swore under penalty of death that while the secret penis-check would continue to be an admission requirement, no member would ever mention or write about penises in public, and would instead focus on a message of hatred and intolerance towards Black men.

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.