Prominent Al Qaeda Figure Cites Religious Freedom Bill as Right to Cause Mass Casualties

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Citing the Religious Freedom bill recently signed by Arkansas Governor William Asa Hutchinson, prominent Al Qaeda figure and Arkansas resident Abu Fatkh Khazim today successfully used his status of a permanent resident of Arkansas to press charges against being unlawfully prevented from practicing his extremist religious beliefs.

“My belief in violent extremism requires me to blow myself up in public with as many innocent civilians around me as possible,” Mr. Khazim was quoted saying.

Mr. Khasim had been a detainee in a federal facility in Arkansas after a sting operation apprehended him back in 2004 when he had attempted to acquire weapons-grade Uranium from Texas, where such material is legal to own.

“Being in prison directly impacts my ability to carry out my extremist convictions,” Mr. Khasim stated in his letter to the Arkansas courts.

Mr. Khasim’s beliefs do not in any way contradict newly added provisions to the law, which attempt, albeit do not fully succeed, to prevent any too obvious discrimination against members of the LGBT community.

“I, personally, am not in any way opposed to killing gays or lesbians,” said Mr. Khasim. “I would kill them the same exact way as I would kill straight infidels, Christians, Buddhists and moderate Muslims. I do not, in any way, discriminate.”

Not being able to find any flaws in the logic of Mr. Khasim, Governor Hutchinson has reluctantly agreed to honor his request to be released, and furthermore grant the necessary weapons for Mr. Khasim to be able to practice his extremist faith as God had apparently instructed him, provided that he does so in Democratically-inclined electoral districts.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Speaker of the House John Boehner Invites Al Qaeda Spokesman to Address Congress

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In an unprecedented show of solidarity, and emboldened by the new Republican majority in both chambers of Congress, Speaker of the House John Andrew Boehner announced that he has arranged for Al Qaeda spokesman Adam Yahiye Gadahn to address Congress on the issues of Abortion, Gay Marriage and Gun Rights.

“Yes, we do have our differences,” admitted Mr. Boehner. “We do not agree with their hatred of the West. They do not agree with our interference in their genocide operations. But overall, we share one important common value – we both believe in crippling our current President Barrack Obama in all his undertakings over the last two years of his presidency.”

Mr. Boehner went behind the president’s back to negotiate secretly with Mr. Gadahn, an American-born convert to radical Islam, so he could help undermine the President’s progressive policies on these key Republican issues.

“On the issue of Abortion, we both agree that women have to obey what conservative men like myself tell them to do,” said Boehner. “Giving women a choice means they could choose to disobey men. Frankly, we are jealous of the success with which Extremist groups like Al Qaeda have enjoyed in controlling their women.”

Gay marriage would not have been a problem if there were no homosexuals in this country,” said Boehner. “Unfortunately, this is not the case here, because, unlike areas where Al Qaeda has control, we have failed to eliminate individuals displaying homosexual tendencies.”

“And finally, Gun rights,” he said. “No one can explain the critical importance of owning large stockpiles of powerful weapons than someone who uses such weapons to cause mass casualties.”

Mr. Gadahn, who has not visited the United States ever since he defected in 1995 at the age of 17 expressed his excitement and anticipation of the upcoming visit. He has been trying on different fits of suicide vests with an eye for low detectability, better comfort and maximum radius of destruction.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Al Qaeda in Yemen Admits to Making Mistake about Charlie Hebdo Drawings

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Surprising new information came to light today as the Al Qaeda branch in Yemen (AQY) completed its own investigation into the shootings that killed 11 journalists from the satirical newspaper Charlie Hebdo and one police officer in Paris. Specifically, AQY discovered that they had made a terrible mistake in concluding prematurely that Mr. Hebdo was drawing unflattering caricatures of the prophet Muhammad.

“He was, actually, drawing someone who looked very much like the prophet,” said AQY spokesman Haroon Rashid, “but a careful investigation determined it was not actually him.”

The mistake unfortunately proved fatal for the innocent journalists, and AQY expressed regret that their mujahedeen had mounted the attack. Still, he referred to the attackers as only “misguided”, stopping short of calling them terrorists and murderers.

“Well, there are inherent difficulties in judging what depictions are true depictions of the prophet, because no one really knows what the prophet actually looks like,” he said. “That’s one of the problems with not allowing any depictions,” he lamented.

We asked how AQY was actually able to conduct its investigation then.

“As you can imagine, someone must have an actual drawing somewhere, or else there would be no way to exercise judgment,” admitted Rashid. “So, let me come out clean – we, the Al Qaeda branch in Yemen, do keep drawings of the prophet in a secret location. They are used strictly for cases like this, where we have to figure out if someone had been violating the law that prohibits depictions of him.”

Unfortunately, the mistake can not be corrected. The innocent journalists have already become unintended victims of this brutal and senseless attack. The AQY offered however, to take some, albeit untimely, action.

“We went one step further,” said Rashid, “and identified the actual person Mr. Hebdo had been drawing all this time. His name is Abdul Hamal Hassan al Biruni, and he is a villager in one of the villages where we have strong presence. Mr. Biruni had travelled to Paris several years ago, and taken pictures of himself in front of the Eiffel Tower. It was during this trip when someone from the satirical newspaper had spotted him during their lunch break, and they had then used his looks as inspiration for their drawings.”

As a gesture of accepting responsibility for the unjustified brutal attack, AQY had decapitated Mr. Biruni and his entire family to offer the families of the innocent Paris victims what they called “a small token of fairness”.

We, at News Sense News, independently determined that Mr. Biruni had actually secretly been attempting to immigrate with his entire family to Paris, where, as he had put it, “men and women can live with dignity in a free and safe world”. The AQY spokesman denied knowledge of this fact.

“No, our execution of Mr. Biruni was solely based on his likeness to the prophet Muhammad,” he said. “We don’t want any mistakes of this kind to happen in the future if someone decided randomly to depict Mr. Biruni in a cartoon.”

We asked why Mr. Biruni’s family had been executed with him.

“They were all women and children,” the AQY spokesman shrugged. “They don’t count anyway.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Al Qaeda Operative Disillusioned with Unreliable U.S. Transportation System

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Following a series of frustrations, prominent Al Qaeda operative Abu-Al-Sudan lashed out at the unreliability of the U.S. transportation system which has made it close to impossible for them to plan and execute attacks.

“Expensive tickets. Delayed flights. You can only book those B or E seats right in the middle where you are stuck between two fat infidels, and you can’t get out to pee, much less hijack the plane,” he complained.

“Subway trains,” he continued. “Dirty and disgusting. Smelling like pee. Running either too late, or two early. You can’t time an explosive device to detonate at the right time. You either end up blowing yourself up early with a couple of confused tourists who, like you, thought they knew when the train was arriving, but were also wrong; or you end up being asked to leave at the last subway stop with the damned vest still ticking strapped around your chest.”

“And New York,” he grunted, kicking a canister on the ground in anger. “Fucking New York City in rush hour. You just rot away parked for hours in a yellow cab. You don’t know if you’ll ever get out. You kind of start daydreaming about going back to Guantanamo, because there at least you get one fifteen-minute walk a day. When you finally start moving, you have already missed the event you were trying to blow up. That, and you have to go real bad, and you better go, because you don’t want to end up in heaven smelling like excrement.”

“No, the U.S. transportation system completely fails to meet the reliability standards that we, terrorists, require to be successful,” he shook his head. “This is why we plan to boycott it this coming holiday season. Me and my friends will probably just spend the holidays spelunking in the caves complex in the rugged lawless region along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border instead. Mandatory vacation as usual, I suppose.”