Tom Cruise Unifies Gravity with Quantum Mechanics


In a surprise revelation, today, Top Gun and Mission Impossible star Thomas Cruise Mapother IV announced that he has discovered the missing equation linking Gravity to Quantum Mechanics which scientists of the century have been struggling in vain to derive.

“I was surprised too,” the star confessed. “I was doodling on a paper napkin in my bunker, listening to the news for signs of the upcoming alien apocalypse, and the revelation came to me. I wrote it down. And then it hit me. This was something I didn’t want to have on paper! It was too dangerous. I tore the napkin into small pieces, burned the pieces, and scattered the ashes in the wind.”

He then hummed “Dust in the Wind” to himself.

We were slightly surprised by Tom’s actions. The action star looked at us suspiciously, and then warned us.

“I have this essential knowledge deep inside my head now. This is something mankind desperately needs. No harm of any kind should come to me, or this knowledge will be lost forever.”

We were curious how the famous action hero ended up in a position to make this critical discovery.

“Well, look, “ explained Cruise. “I spend a lot of time, you know – thinking. That’s how I know so much. Thinking makes you come up with things.”

What other things has Cruise been thinking about?

“True, Quartum Mechanics isn’t the only thing I think about,” admitted Cruise, slightly mispronouncing the term. “I mean, Quartums are important, but they are only part of the important things. There are other things, more important things, that are equally important, if not more, if you know what I mean.”

We wanted to know when, if at all, Mr. Cruise would reveal his discovery.

“When the time is right,” Cruise said. “And until then, I, alone, will be the keeper of this life-changing secret.”


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