Republican-Led Congress Moves to Establish the Islamic State of the United States

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CREDIT: AP Photo/Jacquelyn Martin

Today, Republican-led Congress voted for the establishment of the Islamic State of the United States (ISUS), an entity, where women have no rights, gay men and women are crucified and stoned to death, and everyone lives according to a strict version of the Bible.

“We had been waiting for this moment,” said speaker of the House John Andrew Boehner. “America has been waiting for this moment. They elected us to get this done.”’

Mr. Boehner’s speech comes at the heels of the first vote of the new congress, which took away women’s right to choose what to do with their bodies.

“Next,” said Mr. Boehner, “we will be taking away women’s rights to education. Education, as we all know, is detrimental to women, because it encourages them to get away from the kitchen, where they belong, and look for jobs. In other words, seek what God has established to be the man’s role in society.”

“We will also be taking away their right to vote,” said Boehner. “Naturally, this is so they do not influence elections with their inferior opinions.”

“This will make sure that women are, what God intended them to be – receptacles for gestation of children.”

What else will ISUS offer to the citizens of America?

“Guns for everyone,” said Boehner. “Guns on the streets. Guns in the schools. Guns everywhere.”

“Of course, we are also repealing Obamacare,” he hurried to add. “Only God is in a position to decide who lives or dies, who is healthy, and who is sick. We will be abolishing any system that is targeted towards improvements of health for the general population.”

We wondered why Mr. Boehner is calling the new entity the “Islamic” state, since it is in fact following the Bible verbatim.

“This is to honor other nations that share similar values as us,” said Boehner.

The Islamic State of the United States will initially be established within the confines of three states, Texas, Louisiana and Missouri, but Mr. Boehner was confident that over time it would grow to overtake, well… the world.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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