In an unprecedented show of solidarity, and emboldened by the new Republican majority in both chambers of Congress, Speaker of the House John Andrew Boehner announced that he has arranged for Al Qaeda spokesman Adam Yahiye Gadahn to address Congress on the issues of Abortion, Gay Marriage and Gun Rights.
“Yes, we do have our differences,” admitted Mr. Boehner. “We do not agree with their hatred of the West. They do not agree with our interference in their genocide operations. But overall, we share one important common value – we both believe in crippling our current President Barrack Obama in all his undertakings over the last two years of his presidency.”
Mr. Boehner went behind the president’s back to negotiate secretly with Mr. Gadahn, an American-born convert to radical Islam, so he could help undermine the President’s progressive policies on these key Republican issues.
“On the issue of Abortion, we both agree that women have to obey what conservative men like myself tell them to do,” said Boehner. “Giving women a choice means they could choose to disobey men. Frankly, we are jealous of the success with which Extremist groups like Al Qaeda have enjoyed in controlling their women.”
“Gay marriage would not have been a problem if there were no homosexuals in this country,” said Boehner. “Unfortunately, this is not the case here, because, unlike areas where Al Qaeda has control, we have failed to eliminate individuals displaying homosexual tendencies.”
“And finally, Gun rights,” he said. “No one can explain the critical importance of owning large stockpiles of powerful weapons than someone who uses such weapons to cause mass casualties.”
Mr. Gadahn, who has not visited the United States ever since he defected in 1995 at the age of 17 expressed his excitement and anticipation of the upcoming visit. He has been trying on different fits of suicide vests with an eye for low detectability, better comfort and maximum radius of destruction.
– – –
News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.