Hell Yeah I’d Kill Baby Hitler Says Jeb Bush

Jeb_Bush_with_Open_Arms (1)

Today, lagging Presidential hopeful John Ellis “Jeb” Bush from Florida showed sudden and unexpected resolve and determination by telling supporters that if he could, he would kill Hitler in his infancy.

“Hell yeah, I’d kill baby Hitler,” he stated in front of a cheering crowd.

This is the first time the presidential candidate has actually expressed any willingness to take action of any kind, which in turn has caused his campaign to fall behind more action-oriented candidates such as Donald Trump, who has repeatedly shown willingness to kill Mexicans, Muslims, immigrants, and other unspecified groups.

Bush’ popularity immediately increased from 8% to 8.0001%.

Once on a roll, Mr. Bush capitalized on his gains. Asked if he would have Hitler’s mom have an abortion, he said.

“Absolutely not. Life is sacred.”

He confirmed, that he would let Hitler’s mom carry her some-day-to-become-monster son to full term, wait for her to give birth, after which he would shoot the newly born baby with a concealed handgun which the Second Amendment guarantees he can take with him to the hospital where Hitler is to be born.

He immediately enjoyed another bump to 8.5002% popularity among his Republican supporters, 0.0001% due to his anti-abortion views, and 0.5% due to his support of anybody’s right to carry a concealed weapon to shoot a baby in a hospital.

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

The quote from Jeb Bush is, however, 100% real! For more information, read the following CNN article.

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Trump’s New Reality Show Draws Millions of Viewers

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Controversial Reality TV star Donald John Trump has done it again! His new reality show America’s Got Freaks premiered on Fox News Channel this past Thursday, August 6, 2015, drawing millions of viewers and delighting audiences worldwide.

“Mr. Trump is awesome!” exclaimed excited New York resident Samantha Linden who watched the new show at a local pub. “He comes up with unique, creative entertainment ideas. Freaks! Who’d have thought they’d be so much fun to watch?”

“Only someone as well connected as him could have pulled this off,” said Cleveland resident Jonathan Reeves, who was one of the few lucky viewers who was able to attend the premiere in person as it aired live on Thursday night at the Cleveland Quicken Loans Arena. “Not sure where he found them, but he found them. Freaks like this bunch are not easy to come by.”

The show is similar to other elimination shows on TV, but it’s got some unique twists. The contest starts off with a collection of carefully selected freaks, who seem to believe they have a shot at being President of the U.S. They then do their best to embarrass and humiliate themselves on stage, after which the American public will vote them, one by one, off the island.

“The difference,” said Mr. Trump, “is that these weirdos don’t actually need to try. They are natural freaks, so to speak. They also are, in addition, naturally dumb, so dumb, that they actually don’t know they are dumb, and they in fact think they are clever. They will entertain you without even knowing they are doing that.”

Mr. Trump has added one more twist to this new and unique show.

“I will be disguised as freak too,” he said. “This way, I can be on stage with them, and stir them to show off their worst.”

He waved off the claim that one of the freaks is not actually American and is therefore not eligible to compete.

“Who cares,” he said. “Mr. Cruz is likely not going to last out there too long anyway. I’m willing to overlook the fine print and let a Cuban Canadian in for the entertainment of the viewers.”

The new show promises to be the dominant TV event for at least several months, while all participating freaks are voted off the island.

“All but one,” clarified Trump. “And you’ll never guess who will be the one that remains.”

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

ISIS Calls George W. Bush “Founding Father”

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In a rare* attempt to reach out to the world, ISIS spokesman Abu Mohammad al-Adnani today held a speech that gave an insight into the historical and political context that gave birth to his homeland, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS).

“Every nation has its defining moments; moments that remain in history to remind future generations how the nation was born,” said al-Adnani on video filmed in an undisclosed secure location with no defining characteristics of the filming background.

“The American infidels, may God never allow any gun control laws to prevent them from killing themselves, consider it a defining moment for their country when they threw away all their tea. This event marked the inception of their nation of Satan, which Allah has been trying to destroy by sending mentally unstable gun owners with histories of depression and violence to kill innocent children and adults alike without the government taking any action toward better background checks.”

“But since we are talking about defining moments,” he said, “let me take a moment to reflect on how our own great nation, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, was made possible.” His eyes grew moist, maybe from emotion, or maybe from a recent leak from one of the vials of neuro-paralytic gas he had been storing in his room for future use on enemies, peaceful civilians, or hostages.

“For us,” he said, “this moment was when former American President George W. Bush, may God give him more siblings with the same or lesser intelligence if that’s theoretically possible, attacked our homelands of Iraq and Afghanistan, destabilized the Middle East, created an easy to fill power vacuum, and killed thousands of civilians, to breed the anger and hatred that brought our new nation together.”

“We may not be saying this out loud,” he admitted, “but in our hearts we know it’s true. Mr. Bush is, in at least one sense of this word, our founding father.”

Following recorded applause after his speech, Mr. al-Adnani answered a few questions from his non-existent live audience.

“We are, of course, excited at the prospect of his brother Jeb becoming President,” he said in response to the question if he’d endorse Presidential candidate Jeb Bush for the job of the most powerful man in the world.

“This would make it certain that America will send us some more young, unfortunate soldiers who will march right into our firing ranges,” he clarified.

A non-existent person from the audience apparently asked him an unexpected question about another very popular candidate in the Republican presidential race. Mr. al-Adnani just shivered.

Trump,” he said in response, “gives me the creeps. That lunatic will bomb the world out of existence before we are able to acquire the weapons to do so.”

“On the other hand,” he admitted cautiously, “We may be lucky and he might destroy his own country first. Who knows. As far as American Politics goes, I am undecided.”

See also: ISIS Declares Halloween as Their First National Holiday

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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*For ISIS, the adjective “rare” indicates that the frequency with which they try to communicate their extremist ideology is less than the frequency with which they wish they did.

Wisconsin’s Scott Walker Joins the Race With Unique Message

Credited to Gage Skidmore
Photo Credited to Gage Skidmore

Wisconsin’s Governor Scott Kevin Walker is joining the Republican ticket in the 2016 Presidential Election. Unlike his opponents, Democrat or Republican alike, however, he has a clear and unique message to his electorate:

“Americans deserve a leader who will fight and win for them,” said Walker.

Walker’s message is indeed refreshingly unique and disingenuously creative, since no other candidate in history has ever come up with anything like it before.

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, for example, are focused on building out the middle class and improving education and health care for everyone. Jeb Bush represents the oil industry and the Koch brothers. Donald Trump promises to build walls and bomb oil fields so that Mexicans and ISIS alike are annihilated from the face of the Earth. Ted Cruz will most likely fight for either Cuba, where he is from, or Canada, where he was born.

“No other candidate focuses on what’s important,” stressed Walker to make sure he distinguishes himself from the rest of the candidates. “And what’s important is Americans,” he said simply, adding a dramatic pause so that the full weight of his words can sink in. “I bet you have never heard this message before, and must be really excited to finally have a candidate that tells it to you as simply and clearly as I do.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Other references, if you care to read more: Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Donald Trump

Presidential Candidates’ Reaction to Equality of Marriage Vote

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On Friday, 6/26, the United States Supreme Court upheld the right of gay and lesbian Americans to marry, a measure that made history in the steps the United States has taken towards equality of its citizens.

Presidential hopeful Ted Cruz, who for some unknown reason still believes he is eligible to run for the Presidency, was quick to react. “Repeal,” he summarized his opinion in one word. “We will appeal, and we will repeal,” he said.

Noticing the catchy phrase, he instantly capitalized on it. “Appeal-repeal, appeal-repeal!” he chanted, pumping his fist in the air. One supporter clapped his hands in rhythm with the chant. This allowed the caretakers from the hospital from which this supporter had escaped locate him, and they came rushing to have him removed for his own safety.

“Oh, God! Oooh, God! How could you ever allow such sin on the face of this earth!” mumbled presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, his eyes closed and palms open as if he were reading from the Holy Book. “Wait a second,” he said shortly after, opening his eyes in realization. “This cannot be the work of God. Anathema! Anathema!” he shouted, crossing himself and spitting inside his shirt.

“It won’t hold water,” repeated his first reaction Presidential candidate Marco Rubio of Florida. “It’s full of holes. And one hole is enough for all the water to flow out,” he clarified.

“It’s the second Horseman of the Apocalypse,” said wide-eyed Michele Bachmann. “The first Horseman was the Obamacare vote. We are so near to the Apocalypse, I can smell it!”

“That was me, honey,” whispered her husband Marcus Bachmann who was standing right next to her. “Sorry, I had beans for lunch…”

“I don’t know. I really don’t know,” said Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush of Florida. He retracted his previous comment that he will wait for his brother’s reaction before he expresses an opinion, but continued to remain ambivalent.

“I think that decision is good,” chimed in newly announced Presidential hopeful Donald Trump. “More hotel bookings!” he explained excitedly, rubbing his palms together.

“Awesome news!” said Hillary Clinton. “And Bill, you have nothing to worry about,” she said, addressing her husband and former President Bill Clinton, who appeared to be checking out female campaign staffers with expression of both interest and concern.

“I didn’t order this traffic jam,” said a confused Presidential Candidate Chris Christie looking out of his window, having missed on the news of the Supreme Court decision. “Or did I? Honey, was I drunk last night?” he asked.

More reactions are expected later, as Presidential candidates have a chance to discuss the new ruling with their campaign advisers.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

GOP: Roberts Did Not Do What He Was Elected To Do

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts is followed by Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia as they arrive for the presidential inauguration on the West Front of the U.S. Capitol in Washington January 21, 2013. REUTERS/Win McNamee/Pool
Photo credited to REUTERS/Win McNamee/Pool

In a lash of ire over the Supreme Court vote that cemented the role of Obama’s signature healthcare law, GOP representatives accused conservative Chief Justice John Roberts of “not voting according to what he was elected to vote for” and vowed to never allow “another Roberts” to sit on the judicial bench again.

“Who does he think he is?” questioned Curt Levey of the GOP Committee for Justice. “Someone who can just decide on his own how to interpret the law?”

Chief Justice John Roberts is seen by the GOP as a key figure that has been elected to defend their interests and their interests alone. Roberts was nominated by none other than former Republican President George W. Bush, the quintessential model and pinnacle of all things Republican.

“We misjudged Roberts,” said Levey. “We failed by assuming the obvious, that he would be loyal to the people who nominated him instead of trying to play ‘Judge’”.

The historic vote was yet another attempt of the GOP to deny medical insurance to millions of Americans who rely on it. The vote, which addressed the issue of federal subsidies, ensures that medical care is available to everyone, irrespective of income or what state they live in.

Citing political neutrality, Chief Justice Roberts, together with another conservative judge, Justice Anthony Kennedy, unexpectedly sided with the American People and voted in accordance to the law.

“He failed us!” lashed out said Carrie Severino, policy director of the conservative Judicial Crisis Network. “He went rogue! He bit the hand that fed him!”

GOP Presidential candidates were also quick to provide their take, making sure the American People know where they stand on the issue.

“First thing I’ll do as President is remove Chief Justice Roberts,” said Presidential Candidate Ted Cruz of Texas, who for some unknown reason still thinks that he is eligible to run for President. “And then the first thing I’ll do is repeal Obamacare,” he vowed.

“What Roberts did doesn’t hold any water,” said Presidential hopeful Marco Rubio from Florida.

I don’t know,” said Presidential hopefu Jeb Bush, also from Florida. “When I say I don’t know, I mean I don’t know.”

“My brother put him there,” he elaborated later. “I’ll ask my brother why and then tell you what I’ll do.”

Reference: http://news.yahoo.com/obamacare-ruling-puts-supreme-court-hot-seat-u-050459645.html

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.