Gingrich: I Butt-Dialed Tweet on Muslims

A defiant and unapologetic former U.S. Representative and Presidential Candidate Newton Leroy “Newt” Gingrich today offered a simple and logical explanation of how he ended up tweeting a controversial tweet, which stated that the U.S. should be “testing” all resident Muslims and deporting those that are sympathetic to strict version of Islamic or “sharia” law.

The tweet was a reprise of Gingrich’s earlier Fox News statement that made the same claim, a claim, Gingrich has argued, had been “misunderstood”.

“It was a mistake,” explained Gingrich.

The tweet had come out of his cell phone, while his phone was in the back pocket of his pants.

“You know, sometimes, your phone activates itself,” said Gingrich. “And when you move around, you and up pushing some buttons. It looks like I butt-dialed that tweet without even realizing it,” he said with a smile.

Some have attempted to argue, that the chances of Mr. Gingrich actually butt-dialing a coherent tweet, which, moreover, contains a statement that he previously made on national TV, are astronomically small.

“Chances-shmances,” said Gingrich, “Sometimes I butt-dial more coherent tweets than the tweets I actually type.”

He also stated that this has nothing to do with Astronomy.

So, is Mr. Gingrich taking back the offensive and, in fact, unconstitutional statement he made inadvertently?

“Oh, come on,” he laughed. “I can’t be responsible for what comes out of my backside.”

He then made a victory sign and shouted “Make America Great Again!”

We thanked him for his time.

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Reference: The First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution explicitly “prohibits the making of any law respecting an establishment of religion or impeding the free exercise of religion.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness. As it is the case for this post, it is frequently based on real news, and not that far from it.


Pokemon GO Not Allowed in Republican National Convention

It’s official: the popular augmented reality smartphone app Pokemon GO will NOT be allowed in the Republican National Convention in Cleveland, Ohio.

“We can’t afford to have our delegates wandering around the Convention center, searching for Pokespots, collecting Pokeballs, or trying to cover distance so they can incubate and hatch Pokemon eggs during scheduled speeches,” stated House Speaker Paul Davis Ryan. “It’s been difficult to find speakers willing to dedicate time from their usually idle daily schedules to speak at the convention as is.”

Ryan acknowledged that in the past, games and other entertainment had been allowed at the convention.

“Republican delegates do need to keep themselves entertained during the typically 45 minute long speeches or sessions,” he acknowledged. “It’s tough on their attention span to listen to an entire speech, particularly because they already know that Latinos are rapists and Muslims are terrorists.”

However, this time, unprecedented precautions needed to be taken.

“Cleveland, Ohio is an open-carry state,” explained Ryan. “It may be too dangerous if a delegate wanders off mistakenly outside the premises, lured by a lucrative Pokemon capture at a landmark, and gets accidentally shot. Hence the Pokemon GO ban.”

What are the chances of such an accidental death?

“It’s hard to tell,” said Ryan. “It is illegal to collect data on gun deaths, so, fortunately, we have no idea.”

But he acknowledged that it’s prudent to exercise basic precaution.

“Any random gun owner out there may be drunk, or upset, or even intentionally homicidal,” he said. “We can’t just risk delegates getting outside unprotected when they feel they want to toss a few Pokeballs around.”

Still, he expressed confidence that security was doing all they could. Specifically, the entrants to the convention’s 1.7 square mile secure zone are prohibited from bringing, swords, hatchets, axes, slingshots, BB guns, pellet guns, kinder eggs and metal knuckles (read full list of prohibited items in the CNN article here) and now, the Pokemon GO app.

Entrants are, naturally, still allowed to openly hold live firearms (refer to same CNN article here for confirmation).

“Of course, ” said Ryan. “Absolutely, positively, 100%, of course. We are not going to infringe on the Second Amendment, or, alternatively, ever risk to upset our sponsor, the NRA, who wants to make sure no one, ever, under any circumstance, is prevented from purchasing a lethal weapon.”

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Article is based on following CNN story: Security Fears Mount Ahead of GOP Convention
Also relevant: RNC, Guns OK, Tennis Balls Not

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness. As it is the case for this post, it is frequently based on real news, and not that far from it.