On Friday, 6/26, the United States Supreme Court upheld the right of gay and lesbian Americans to marry, a measure that made history in the steps the United States has taken towards equality of its citizens.
Presidential hopeful Ted Cruz, who for some unknown reason still believes he is eligible to run for the Presidency, was quick to react. “Repeal,” he summarized his opinion in one word. “We will appeal, and we will repeal,” he said.
Noticing the catchy phrase, he instantly capitalized on it. “Appeal-repeal, appeal-repeal!” he chanted, pumping his fist in the air. One supporter clapped his hands in rhythm with the chant. This allowed the caretakers from the hospital from which this supporter had escaped locate him, and they came rushing to have him removed for his own safety.
“Oh, God! Oooh, God! How could you ever allow such sin on the face of this earth!” mumbled presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, his eyes closed and palms open as if he were reading from the Holy Book. “Wait a second,” he said shortly after, opening his eyes in realization. “This cannot be the work of God. Anathema! Anathema!” he shouted, crossing himself and spitting inside his shirt.
“It won’t hold water,” repeated his first reaction Presidential candidate Marco Rubio of Florida. “It’s full of holes. And one hole is enough for all the water to flow out,” he clarified.
“It’s the second Horseman of the Apocalypse,” said wide-eyed Michele Bachmann. “The first Horseman was the Obamacare vote. We are so near to the Apocalypse, I can smell it!”
“That was me, honey,” whispered her husband Marcus Bachmann who was standing right next to her. “Sorry, I had beans for lunch…”
“I don’t know. I really don’t know,” said Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush of Florida. He retracted his previous comment that he will wait for his brother’s reaction before he expresses an opinion, but continued to remain ambivalent.
“I think that decision is good,” chimed in newly announced Presidential hopeful Donald Trump. “More hotel bookings!” he explained excitedly, rubbing his palms together.
“Awesome news!” said Hillary Clinton. “And Bill, you have nothing to worry about,” she said, addressing her husband and former President Bill Clinton, who appeared to be checking out female campaign staffers with expression of both interest and concern.
“I didn’t order this traffic jam,” said a confused Presidential Candidate Chris Christie looking out of his window, having missed on the news of the Supreme Court decision. “Or did I? Honey, was I drunk last night?” he asked.
More reactions are expected later, as Presidential candidates have a chance to discuss the new ruling with their campaign advisers.
– – –
News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.