Makers of “Frozen” Admit to Causing Arctic Chill

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The makers of the movie Frozen, Chris Buck and Jennifer Lee, admitted on Wednesday that they are responsible for the chilling temperatures that have gripped Central and East U.S.

“It has been the best marketing campaign for the movie so far,” said Buck. “Downloads on Amazon and Netflix have more than tripled since the negative temperatures hit the nation.”

Mr. Buck and Ms. Lee came up with the idea ever since the Sony hack executed personally by Mr. Kim Jong-un (with his left hand, while he dribbled a basketball with his right) more than tripled the downloads of the controversial movie The Interview.

“Mr. Kim, who I have been told is actually a secret fan of The Interview because it allowed him to ‘come out’ to the world with the little known fact that he does not have an ass-hole,” said Jennifer Lee, “had come up with the ingenious promotion idea while also doing multivariate-calculus and composing love poetry in his head. He, in his infinite wisdom, saw clearly that banning the movie from theaters would in fact cause even those who never intended to see it to actually do their darndest and pay good money for a download.”

“We watched, and learned,” she said. “Promotion campaigns are everything. Hell, even someone like Marco Rubio could get elected in office after his campaign managers played Waterworld for a week on all public channels in Florida.”

“So, our special effects people got to work. A few more carbon emissions here, some deforestation in the Amazon, a few more Republicans in Congress to vote against the environment, and we now have the Arctic chill that’s done miracles for our cute little Andersen fairy tale.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to, well, make fun of things.

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George Bush Gets Free Installation of Fiber at His Home

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An excited George W. Bush told the press today that he had gotten the deal of his life on an installation of fiber-optic internet and cable at his ranch in Texas.

“It was hard to believe,” he told us. “Cable companies charge an arm and a leg, and I got a top-of-the-line fiber opticals completely free!”

Mr. Bush got the amazing deal by chance. He was coming home after a round of golf, when he noticed through the window of his limo that the Secret Service detail guarding his ranch were holding three men at gunpoint.

“They were kinda short and thin,” recalled Bush. “I thought they were Chinese, because they looked Chinese.”

His curiosity peaked, Bush asked his driver to stop, and rolled down his window.

“These three Koreans were driving too close to the ranch, Sir. We stopped them for a check,” his Secret Service detail told him.

“They were just three real nerdy guys, big glasses and everything” Bush told us. “Secret Service checked them for weapons – that’s their job. Watcha doin’ here, I asked. They said, they been drivin’ and got lost. Lookin’ for a bar for some drinks. So, I said, let’s take these guys in, show them Texan hospitality.”

The Secret Service apparently protested, but the former President insisted and got his wish.

“Turned out they were Engineers!” exclaimed Bush. “Smart folks. From some real good school in the North part of their country. Never heard of it.”

Our reporters had been told by an anonymous source that the three Koreans were actually not legally in the country.

“Yeah!” Bush laughed, recalling. “We got tough tourist policies. They couldn’t get visa, So, they got in from Mexico. Just wanted to drive round and tour our great country.”

And that’s when Mr. Bush got his unexpected deal.

“They looked at them outlets and switches in my ranch and said wiring needs an upgrade. There’s new stuff out there, they said, fiber opticals and what not.”

“I told them, tell me what’s hot and I’ll get someone to put it in,” said Bush, “and they said they’d do it for me! For free! They had cables and boxes in their car.”

“How much, I said? And they just went, you are a cool guy Comrade Bush. It would be our honor to do this for you for free.”

The small crew worked for several hours in Mr. Bush’ ranch, drilling, pulling cables through. When they were done, the former President had gotten the best fiber installation of any ranch in Texas.

“Internet is super fast now!” announced a smiling Mr. Bush. “Cable TV is what they called ‘Sony Pictures quality’. They even put in proactive monitoring. Anything goes wrong, they’ll get an alert all the way back there in Korea, and they’ll fix the problem.”

“What can I say,” said Bush. “I got the deal of my life!”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to, well, make fun of things.