Prominent Al Qaeda Figure Cites Religious Freedom Bill as Right to Cause Mass Casualties

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Citing the Religious Freedom bill recently signed by Arkansas Governor William Asa Hutchinson, prominent Al Qaeda figure and Arkansas resident Abu Fatkh Khazim today successfully used his status of a permanent resident of Arkansas to press charges against being unlawfully prevented from practicing his extremist religious beliefs.

“My belief in violent extremism requires me to blow myself up in public with as many innocent civilians around me as possible,” Mr. Khazim was quoted saying.

Mr. Khasim had been a detainee in a federal facility in Arkansas after a sting operation apprehended him back in 2004 when he had attempted to acquire weapons-grade Uranium from Texas, where such material is legal to own.

“Being in prison directly impacts my ability to carry out my extremist convictions,” Mr. Khasim stated in his letter to the Arkansas courts.

Mr. Khasim’s beliefs do not in any way contradict newly added provisions to the law, which attempt, albeit do not fully succeed, to prevent any too obvious discrimination against members of the LGBT community.

“I, personally, am not in any way opposed to killing gays or lesbians,” said Mr. Khasim. “I would kill them the same exact way as I would kill straight infidels, Christians, Buddhists and moderate Muslims. I do not, in any way, discriminate.”

Not being able to find any flaws in the logic of Mr. Khasim, Governor Hutchinson has reluctantly agreed to honor his request to be released, and furthermore grant the necessary weapons for Mr. Khasim to be able to practice his extremist faith as God had apparently instructed him, provided that he does so in Democratically-inclined electoral districts.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Indiana Court Sentences Purvi Patel To Be Beheaded in Public

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On Monday, 3/30, Indiana court sentenced 33 years old Purvi Patel for having an involuntary miscarriage.

“The way I see it,” said Sue Ellen Braunlin, doctor and co-president of the Indiana Religious Coalition for Reproductive Justice, “God decided that Mrs. Patel deserves to lose her child. He taketh the child away. It is our responsibility to carry out the rest of God’s will and make sure Mrs. Patel suffers as much as humanly possible given the short amount of time we have to act.”

Indiana Governor Michael Richard “Mike” Pence defended the court’s decision.

“Our God, praise be to Him, had spoken,” he said.

Mrs. Patel is to be lashed 30 times and then beheaded in public for her unintentional action.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Author’s note: The above is not funny. Not at all. Purvi Patel was indeed sentenced to 20 years in prison in Indiana for having a miscarriage. She may not have been beheaded, but the the difference is a matter of degree. This is ISIS operating in the United States under a different religion. The value of satire is to raise awareness. I hope this blog demonstrates how perverse things can become when the religious conservatives choose to operate with 18th century mentality.