Meteorologists Promise to be Done with Winter by March

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Let’s face it: winter was late this year in the North East United States. Meteorologists from the Weather Channel would be the first to admit that they missed deadlines, causing disappointment among residents and visitors alike.

“We didn’t have a white Christmas,” complained New York resident Dolf Petersen. “The ski slopes have fake snow. The Weather Channel really screwed up this year.”

Weather Channel CEO David Kenny stood somber in front of our cameras.

“Indeed, there have been inefficiencies in the company,” he admitted. “However, we have invested in new systems and gone through a comprehensive re-org. We are confident that we will be back on track offering timely weather to residents this year.”

“Currently, we are compensating for the earlier misses,” he continued. “We are packing all the freezing temperatures that should have been in December into January, in addition to the cold that was slated for this month . We will do our best to spread the snow over January and February, but, since we have catching up to do, we may need to have a lot of it at the same time. Mid-Jan we are planning a large blizzard.”

“We will work the polar vortex if we have to, but I promise you, we are putting this company back on schedule. Most importantly,” he said, “you have my commitment. Spring will start on March 21st, as planned.”

The company’s stock went through a modest surge, but was mostly flat in late day trading, as investors channeled their skepticism on the ability of Weather.com to deliver. We, however, are confident in the promise. If you can’t trust weather people, who would you trust?

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to, well, make fun of things.

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Makers of “Frozen” Admit to Causing Arctic Chill

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The makers of the movie Frozen, Chris Buck and Jennifer Lee, admitted on Wednesday that they are responsible for the chilling temperatures that have gripped Central and East U.S.

“It has been the best marketing campaign for the movie so far,” said Buck. “Downloads on Amazon and Netflix have more than tripled since the negative temperatures hit the nation.”

Mr. Buck and Ms. Lee came up with the idea ever since the Sony hack executed personally by Mr. Kim Jong-un (with his left hand, while he dribbled a basketball with his right) more than tripled the downloads of the controversial movie The Interview.

“Mr. Kim, who I have been told is actually a secret fan of The Interview because it allowed him to ‘come out’ to the world with the little known fact that he does not have an ass-hole,” said Jennifer Lee, “had come up with the ingenious promotion idea while also doing multivariate-calculus and composing love poetry in his head. He, in his infinite wisdom, saw clearly that banning the movie from theaters would in fact cause even those who never intended to see it to actually do their darndest and pay good money for a download.”

“We watched, and learned,” she said. “Promotion campaigns are everything. Hell, even someone like Marco Rubio could get elected in office after his campaign managers played Waterworld for a week on all public channels in Florida.”

“So, our special effects people got to work. A few more carbon emissions here, some deforestation in the Amazon, a few more Republicans in Congress to vote against the environment, and we now have the Arctic chill that’s done miracles for our cute little Andersen fairy tale.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to, well, make fun of things.