In a rare* attempt to reach out to the world, ISIS spokesman Abu Mohammad al-Adnani today held a speech that gave an insight into the historical and political context that gave birth to his homeland, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS).
“Every nation has its defining moments; moments that remain in history to remind future generations how the nation was born,” said al-Adnani on video filmed in an undisclosed secure location with no defining characteristics of the filming background.
“The American infidels, may God never allow any gun control laws to prevent them from killing themselves, consider it a defining moment for their country when they threw away all their tea. This event marked the inception of their nation of Satan, which Allah has been trying to destroy by sending mentally unstable gun owners with histories of depression and violence to kill innocent children and adults alike without the government taking any action toward better background checks.”
“But since we are talking about defining moments,” he said, “let me take a moment to reflect on how our own great nation, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, was made possible.” His eyes grew moist, maybe from emotion, or maybe from a recent leak from one of the vials of neuro-paralytic gas he had been storing in his room for future use on enemies, peaceful civilians, or hostages.
“For us,” he said, “this moment was when former American President George W. Bush, may God give him more siblings with the same or lesser intelligence if that’s theoretically possible, attacked our homelands of Iraq and Afghanistan, destabilized the Middle East, created an easy to fill power vacuum, and killed thousands of civilians, to breed the anger and hatred that brought our new nation together.”
“We may not be saying this out loud,” he admitted, “but in our hearts we know it’s true. Mr. Bush is, in at least one sense of this word, our founding father.”
Following recorded applause after his speech, Mr. al-Adnani answered a few questions from his non-existent live audience.
“We are, of course, excited at the prospect of his brother Jeb becoming President,” he said in response to the question if he’d endorse Presidential candidate Jeb Bush for the job of the most powerful man in the world.
“This would make it certain that America will send us some more young, unfortunate soldiers who will march right into our firing ranges,” he clarified.
A non-existent person from the audience apparently asked him an unexpected question about another very popular candidate in the Republican presidential race. Mr. al-Adnani just shivered.
“Trump,” he said in response, “gives me the creeps. That lunatic will bomb the world out of existence before we are able to acquire the weapons to do so.”
“On the other hand,” he admitted cautiously, “We may be lucky and he might destroy his own country first. Who knows. As far as American Politics goes, I am undecided.”
– – –
News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.
– – –
*For ISIS, the adjective “rare” indicates that the frequency with which they try to communicate their extremist ideology is less than the frequency with which they wish they did.