Melania Trump: “I was Born Black”

Time constraints did not allow Mrs. Melania Trump to deliver the full speech she had prepared all by herself for the Republican National Convention in Cleveland, Ohio, where her husband, the reality TV star Donald John Trump, is expected to be nominated as the Republican candidate for the U.S. Presidency.

Fortunately, sources familiar with the original draft were able to provide us with highlights of what Mrs. Trump had intended to share about her experiences, which shaped her perceptions of the world and made her the unique, original and intelligent person she now is.

“I was raised Black in the suburbs on the South Side of Chicago,” Mrs. Trump shared in a stunning revelation about her early childhood. “My parents taught me how to work hard, that my word is my bond, and how to treat people with dignity and respect.”

“I was fortunate to go to Princeton University,” Mrs. Trump’s speech continued despite the fact that she does not hold a college degree, “and later, to the Law School at Harvard University.”

In one of her discarded draft highlights, Mrs. Trump recounted her chance encounter with her now husband and presidential candidate Donald John Trump.

“When I met Barack Donald back in 1990 1998,” Mrs. Trump’s original draft read, clearly showing a few small factual corrections made by Mrs. Trump to better align with the facts, “he was a young starry eyed idealist, who was devastatingly charming and intelligent.“

The couple married in 1992 2005, and had been married ever since, to her and everyone else’s great surprise.

It is, indeed, regrettable that the Republican National Convention attendees could not hear Mrs. Trump’s speech in its entirety, since the thoughtfully written original piece would have further solidified the already shockingly solid impression that Republican delegates have of the Trump family.

Mrs. Trump has, however, promised, that if her husband is promoted to President, she would take time on national TV to tell the American people the entire story.

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Source: (CNN) Melania Trump “Borrows” Heavily from Michelle Obama’s 2008 Speech for Republican Convention

Source: (CNN) Trump Campaign Denies Similarities Between Speeches

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness. As it is the case for this post, it is frequently based on real news, and not that far from it.

Pokemon GO Not Allowed in Republican National Convention

It’s official: the popular augmented reality smartphone app Pokemon GO will NOT be allowed in the Republican National Convention in Cleveland, Ohio.

“We can’t afford to have our delegates wandering around the Convention center, searching for Pokespots, collecting Pokeballs, or trying to cover distance so they can incubate and hatch Pokemon eggs during scheduled speeches,” stated House Speaker Paul Davis Ryan. “It’s been difficult to find speakers willing to dedicate time from their usually idle daily schedules to speak at the convention as is.”

Ryan acknowledged that in the past, games and other entertainment had been allowed at the convention.

“Republican delegates do need to keep themselves entertained during the typically 45 minute long speeches or sessions,” he acknowledged. “It’s tough on their attention span to listen to an entire speech, particularly because they already know that Latinos are rapists and Muslims are terrorists.”

However, this time, unprecedented precautions needed to be taken.

“Cleveland, Ohio is an open-carry state,” explained Ryan. “It may be too dangerous if a delegate wanders off mistakenly outside the premises, lured by a lucrative Pokemon capture at a landmark, and gets accidentally shot. Hence the Pokemon GO ban.”

What are the chances of such an accidental death?

“It’s hard to tell,” said Ryan. “It is illegal to collect data on gun deaths, so, fortunately, we have no idea.”

But he acknowledged that it’s prudent to exercise basic precaution.

“Any random gun owner out there may be drunk, or upset, or even intentionally homicidal,” he said. “We can’t just risk delegates getting outside unprotected when they feel they want to toss a few Pokeballs around.”

Still, he expressed confidence that security was doing all they could. Specifically, the entrants to the convention’s 1.7 square mile secure zone are prohibited from bringing, swords, hatchets, axes, slingshots, BB guns, pellet guns, kinder eggs and metal knuckles (read full list of prohibited items in the CNN article here) and now, the Pokemon GO app.

Entrants are, naturally, still allowed to openly hold live firearms (refer to same CNN article here for confirmation).

“Of course, ” said Ryan. “Absolutely, positively, 100%, of course. We are not going to infringe on the Second Amendment, or, alternatively, ever risk to upset our sponsor, the NRA, who wants to make sure no one, ever, under any circumstance, is prevented from purchasing a lethal weapon.”

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Article is based on following CNN story: Security Fears Mount Ahead of GOP Convention
Also relevant: RNC, Guns OK, Tennis Balls Not

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness. As it is the case for this post, it is frequently based on real news, and not that far from it.

Sanford: “I Would Rather Have an Idiot Than Clinton”

On Thursday, 7/7/16, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald John Trump vowed to House Republicans to uphold Constitution Articles 1 through 12.

There are only 7.

“I think it was the normal stream of consciousness that’s long on hyperbole and short on facts,” South Carolina Rep. Mark Sanford said after the meeting.

(Read original 1 pm news here)

Still, he stood firmly behind the Republican nominee.

“I would rather have a complete idiot than Clinton,” he said. “I would rather have a racist, sexist, misogynistic asshole than Clinton. I would rather have a perverted rapist of 13 year olds. I would rather have a neo-Nazi. I would rather have an incompetent buffoon. Anything is better than Clinton,” he said.

Asked about his reasoning, he simply said.

“You heard about the emails. She mishandled them.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness. As it is the case for this post, it is frequently based on real news, and not that far from it.

Trump Announces That He Will be His Own VP

After what appeared to be significant vetting of what he called “a variety of mediocre options”, the presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump has finally come up with a running mate: Donald Trump.

“Look, folks,” he said to a group of shocked reporters, “I looked everywhere. Everywhere. And I asked everyone. Everyone who made sense. And you know what? They were all bad. All bad. Terrible.”

The failed search did not discourage the intrepid presidential nominee. The apparent impasse he was in gave birth to an idea.

“I asked myself,” Trump shared, “who is the only one in the world, the only one who can be a worthy running mate to the greatest president the United States is ever going to have. And the answer was obvious.”

“Donald John Trump!” he announced. “That’s right. I am going to be my own Vice President. And it will be tremendous. I tell you, folks, it will be tremendous.”

We consulted our legal team to the constitutionality of Donald Trump’s decision, and they shrugged.

“The constitution does not prohibit it,” they said. “This means it’s allowed.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

North Korea Re-Endorses Donald Trump for President

On Thursday, 07/06, DPRK Today, the Government-sponsored Editorial of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK), also commonly known as North Korea, re-stated their enthusiastic endorsement of Republican Presidential candidate Donald John Trump as their preferred choice for U.S. President.

(Read The Huffington Post News of the DPRK’s original endorsement or the actual DPRK Today article (Korean))

Trump is a “wise politician” and a “far-sighted presidential candidate”, the DPRK article stated. He is insightful as well as handsome. He, alone, would be the best thing that could happen to the Democratic People’s Republic. Ever.

We were able to sneak in a carefully disguised reporter into the DPRK, who, in turn, was able to provide us with a realistic idea of the general sentiment on the ground.

“I’m euphoric,” said DPRK citizen Pak Pong-ju, who limped across a city square, leaning on a wooden stick that he used as a cane. “I’ve been skipping along the street all day. The news of Donald Trump’s nomination is the best thing I’ve heard for years!”

“My heart is singing,” said Song Do-Hui, a thin, malnourished young lady wearing a ragged T-shirt with a large red star. “This is the day our Communist fathers predicted will come.”

“Never before have I woken up with such a feeling with optimism!” exclaimed Huang Pyong-so, an elderly, homeless man, who had just been told the news by the driver of the garbage truck who came to collect the garbage behind which Huang was sleeping.

The country’s Supreme Leader and Chairman of the Worker’s Party of Korea Kim Jong-un also expressed his happiness in a televised speech.

“Comrades!” he stated. “We may very well be close to our goal. Very, very close. All we need to do is hope, as we have hoped for generations, that Donald Trump is elected President of our mortal capitalist enemy, the United States of America. On that day, finally, we will see our decades-old dreams realized.”

He declined to comment on the nature of the said dreams, but re-affirmed his certainty that other great leaders such as Iran’s Supreme Leader, Grand Ayatollah Sayyid Ali Hosseini Khamenei, would also echo his enthusiastic endorsement of possible Trump presidency.

Source: Huffington Post, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/north-korea-donald-trump-editorial_us_574d94c6e4b055bb1172a366

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness. As it is the case for this post, it is frequently based on real news, and not that far from it.

Trump: I Would be a Better Boxer than Ali

Following his Thursday night statement that he would be a better choice for women than female Presidential nominee, feminist, and women’s rights champion Hillary Rodham Clinton,  presumptive Republican nominee Donald John Trump stated that he would make a better boxer than recently diseased heavyweight world champion and boxing legend Muhammad Ali.

“You know this is true, folks,” said Trump. “You know it is true. You tell me, who is a better boxer than Donald Trump?”

Asked if he had ever boxed in his life, Trump said.

“Look, I don’t talk about it, ok?” he said. “I’m just gonna do it. I’ll do it. People tell me that all the time. I’m just gonna do it. And it will be tremendous.”

Later that day, Trump went on to further claim that he would also be a better singer than American rock legend Elvis Aaron Presley.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Also relevant:

Amazed Marco Rubio Visits the United States Capitol

A wide-eyed Marco Rubio, Junior U.S. Senator from Florida and former contender for the Republican presidential nomination, was seen entering the United States Capitol early Thursday morning.

“Wow,” he was heard saying, shaking his head in amazement. “Just wow! Such an awesome building!”

Rubio’s visit lasted more than an hour, during which the U.S. Senator spend time marveling at the art and murals displayed in the Capitol Rotunda, as well as admiring the magnificent fresco painted on the interior of the Capital Dome by the Italian/Greek American artist Constantino Brumidi in 1865.

“I’m so glad I took this trip,” Rubio told reporters. “Seeing this historic building with my own eyes has been a transforming experience. I will surely remember this moment for the rest of my life.”

The reason for Rubio’s trip has been his recent consideration whether or not he should seek another term as a U.S. Senator.

“It’s a tough decision,” confessed Rubio, “but seeing the building where I’m supposed to be working might just tilt the balance one way or the other.”

Rubio admitted that while serving as a U.S. senator he had had multiple opportunities to visit the Capitol and even vote during some of the numerous sessions of Congress which had taken place while he was a U.S. Senator. However, he had not found the time or interest to take advantage of these opportunities earlier.

“Well, I’ve been busy,” he lamented, “and this place is kind of far from where I live. But who knows, maybe I’ll run for Senator again, and maybe I’ll end up visiting this place a second time at some point in the future. It’s worth it, it’s totally worth it!”

He pointed at “The Apotheosis of Washington“, an elaborate painting of a deified version of George Washington surrounded by 13 maidens, and at “Frieze of American History“, a similarly spectacular painting depicting the chronological history of the United States from the landing of Christopher Columbus to the first flight of the Wright Brothers.

“Someone spent a lot of time painting these,” he observed. “This wasn’t your regular paint-job contractor. Even I can tell that.”

Mr. Rubio’s visit may very well play a role in his upcoming decision. He plans to announce his future office plans within at most a few months.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Also relevant:

 

 

Donald Trump to Build Wall Inside United States Capitol

It is no secret that presumptive Republican nominee Donald John Trump has not been particularly popular neither amongst the members of his own party, nor amongst their Democratic counterparts in Congress. Yet, he appeared to not be concerned at all of that fact in our Wednesday interview.

“That’s ok folks,” he downplayed the opposition he was facing. “That’s ok. Because, you know what? When we win this election – and we will win it, mark my words, we will win it – we will build a wall. We will build a wall in the middle of Congress. And it will be a tremendous wall.”

We asked Mr. Trump to explain the purpose of his new wall.

“It’s very simple,” explained the presumptive Republican nominee. “Those who disagree will be on one side. And those who agree – and there will be many, folks, believe me, there will be hundreds, maybe thousands Congressmen who will agree with me, we are the majority, we care about this country – those who agree will stand on the other side with me. And we will work together. We will be the best team America ever had. We will work together to make this country great again.”

Asked about the rationale behind his unprecedented idea, Mr. Trump offered an explanation.

“Look,” he said. “When Democrats, or establishment Republicans – which, by the way, is the same thing, really, it’s the same thing, especially when they are Latinos – when these people send anyone to Congress, they are not sending their best. They are sending people that have lots of problems. They are bringing drugs. They are bringing crime. They are rapists. And some, I assume, may be good people.”

We reminded Mr. Trump that Congress has been lawfully elected to represent the people of America, and that it is more in need of unity than of more divisive measures which would only render it even more ineffective and impotent.

“The wall just got 6 feet higher,” warned Trump.

We had to end the interview early out of concern that if his wall were to grow even a bit more, it could cause structural damage to the United State Capitol, which, among other things, is a historical monument.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Also relevant: Democrats Distracting Americans from the Most Relevant Issues

McConnell Discovers Missing Text in Constitution

Senate Majority Leader Addison Mitchell “Mitch” McConnell today announced that he has discovered provisions that had been hand-written in the original version of the U.S. Constitution drafted by the Founding Fathers. To his shock and amazement, these provisions have been (intentionally or unintentionally) omitted in later published versions of the Constitution, depriving the American people from applying the Constitution as it was originally intended.

The newly discovered provisions were listed in Article II, Section, 2, Clause 2, which is commonly known as the “Appointments Clause”.

The current published version of the Appointments Clause of the U.S. Constitution reads as follows:

He (the President) shall have the Power, by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, to make Treaties, provided two-thirds of the Senators present concur; and he shall nominate, and by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, shall appoint Ambassadors, other public Ministers and Councils, Judges of the supreme Court, and all other Officers of the United States, whose Appointments are not herein otherwise provided for, and which shall be established by Law: but the Congress may by Law vest the Appointment of such inferior Officers as they think proper, in the President alone, in the Courts of Law, or in the Heads of Departments.

Looking through “old, historic texts dating back to our founding fathers”, McConnell discovered small but critical differences in the text. Those differences, McConnell claims, are important to point out, since they were clearly the intent of the Founding Fathers.

The newly identified text reads as follows. (The small differences with current versions are highlighted to allow for easier interpretation.)

He (the President) shall have the Power, by and with the Advice and Consent of the NRA and the Senate, to make Treaties, provided the NRA and two-thirds of the Senators present concur; and he shall nominate, and by and with the Advice and Consent of the NRA and the Senate, shall appoint Ambassadors, other public Ministers and Councils, Judges of the supreme Court, and all other Officers of the United States, whose Appointments are not herein otherwise provided for, and which shall be established by Law: but the NRA and Congress may by Law vest the Appointment of such inferior Officers as they think proper, in the President alone, in the Courts of Law, or in the Heads of Departments.

 

McConnell has stated that he intends to do everything possible to ensure that this originally intended version of the U.S Constitution is the one used as the Law of the Land.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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CNN Hosts Semi-Final of America’s First Unattractive Male Pageant

On Tuesday, CNN hosted the semi-final of the first of its kind Unattractive Male Pageant. Three finalists stood out from the crowd of 17 initial contestants which have been competing for the title starting several months back.

The Unattractive Male Pageant is a concept derived from previously held Beauty Pageants, but, as the title suggests, the contestants compete based on criteria that are the exact opposite of those typical in Beauty Pageants. Candidates are expected to not only look their worst, but to also demonstrate lack of any discernible talents and empathy on any humanitarian issue.

Voting for which one of the three semi-finalists is the ugliest will continue over the next several months. Voters are taking into account not only how repulsive the contestant’s appearance is, but also how ugly and revolting their personalities are.

The goal of the Pageant is to crown the least attractive of all contestants as the Ugly King.

The contestants have done an excellent job of disgusting American audiences so far. The race is expected to be tight.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Also relevant: