Buoyed by promises to rid America of immigrants, Native Americans have been considering throwing their support behind Presidential Candidate Donald John Trump.
“Our country is full of the pasty white people, who came to this continent, took over our lands, killed our men, raped our women, and have all but exterminated us, the native inhabitants of these lands,” announced emotional Cherokee Awenasa Hiawassee (My Home Meadow). “Mr. Trump, may the Great Spirit Unetlanvhi give him briefly successful but otherwise short life, can help us reclaim these lands back before he himself heads back to either Scotland or Germany, whichever one of his countries of ancestry he chooses.”
“He understands the importance of preserving the past,” said Apache warrior Elan Kuruk (Friendly Bear). “He will get rid of the followers of Mohammed first, condemning many of them to death by denying them asylum from the murderous terrorists of ISIS, and deporting the rest of them from our lands, where they have now lived for many generations. Then, he will rid of the revelers of Tetragrammaton or Jehova, so he can appease his Bible-waving voter base, and lull them into believing these lands will be inhabited by them and their offspring only. Finally, may the Great Creator help him with this, he will also ship all of these worshipers of leather-bound books and violence-ridden fairy tales back to Europe, where they came from with their ships and weapons, leaving these lands to their rightful inhabitants, the Children of Ussen.”
Mr. Trump was pleasantly delighted by this show of support.
“See, see?” he said to the video cameras, opening his hands in a gesture of generosity. “They love me! Everybody loves me! I’m the greatest!”
In return for their votes, Trump vowed to fulfill every single promise he has given to the Native Americans, and, in addition, build for them a new chain of casinos, where alcohol is free.
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