“Cookies and Tea Party” (CATP), a newly founded Republican organization, announced today that it would begin offering conversion services to help transform individuals with progressive views into Republicans.
“God created human beings to be Republicans,” stated CATP president Dick Kantorum. “It’s against nature to be anything else. We know that there are individuals who have strayed away from this path, and we are here to help them get back to what God designed them to be.”
CATP has a variety of methods for achieving their goals. These range from corporal punishment to death threats. Methods aside, what criteria are there to determine if the goal has been achieved?
“We have a variety of metrics that will help us judge if the conversion therapy was successful, explained Mr. Kantorum. “Some of them are critical and others are secondary.”
“For example, a minimum of 10 points drop in IQ constitutes a critical criterion,” shared Kantorum. “Without that, the chances of converting someone to a Republican drop significantly.”
“Another critical criterion is demonstrated discrimination against women, gays or poor people.”
“Lesser, but nevertheless important indicators are whether or not the individual has acquired hate towards Obamacare, or whether or not they ever mention environmental or climate-related issues that Congress has voted are non-existent.”
Has CATP been successful so far?
“We’ve had partial success with some of the borderline groups,” said Kantorum. “The relatively less-educated, for example, were already almost there. They just needed to be coached on fear, hatred and intolerance.”
“But,” he admitted, “they were a low hanging fruit. We still have a long way to go with the rest of the American nation.”
Are there any other organizations that offer similar services?
“Fox News has been extremely successful in offering similar services,” said Kantorum. “They are already light years ahead of us with their brainwashing techniques. Still, we believe that over time we will capture a portion of that market, since at today’s times of unnecessary progressive thinking, there is a great need for someone to keep dragging America back to the past.”
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