Ted Cruz to Keep Washington Ambitions Secret from Schwarzenegger


Today, presidential hopeful Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz formally launched his campaign for the U.S. Presidency, but also stated that he intends to keep his ambitions secret from whom he calls his biggest rival, the former California Governor and action hero Arnold Schwarzenegger.

“There’s really no need for him to know,” said Cruz. “At this point, I still have the element of surprise on my side.”

Mr. Schwarzenegger had been pursuing higher offices in his political career, reaching the position of Governor of California in 2003. The only obstacle he saw to pursuing the position of President had been the fact that he is not allowed to do so constitutionally, since he was not born in the United States.

We asked Mr. Cruz, who was born in Canada, why he does not see this as an obstacle to his own Presidential ambitions.

“The thing to realize is that the Constitution is just a guideline,” he explained. “It shouldn’t be taken literally as, for example, one should take the Bible. The Constitution does not state anywhere one has to be physically born in the U.S.”

What other way is there to be born?

“By an American mother, of course,” said Cruz.

There is no definition that the nationality of the mother determines where someone is born.

“Not yet,” said Cruz. “But if you could get a Republican-leaning judge to agree, you may very well make up such a definition.”

Does this also apply to the case of Ahmet Mustafa McCormick-Hamal  who is allegedly the first baby from an American mother to be born in the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria?

“I’d let a Republican-leaning judge decide,” said Cruz, though the question clearly made him uncomfortable.

Asked about his numerous prior objections to the candidacy of our current sitting President Mr. Barrack Obama, who was born in Hawaii, Mr. Cruz simply stated.

“Canada is closer than Hawaii.”

Going back to the more immediate danger of competition from former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mr. Cruz suddenly turned serious.

“You’ve seen what this guy can do with a Kalashnikov,” he said. “Or even with just a knife. I wouldn’t want to be running against him.”

“Also,” he said, “He has had much better popularity than me with the voter segment of Latina house-keepers. And trust me, it’s not as if I haven’t tried hard in that department. It would be an upslope battle to run against him for sure.”

There is no immediate danger of Mr. Schwarzenegger finding out about Mr. Cruz’ candidacy, though. The former governor has been busy filming his new movies Terminator Genisys and The Legend of Conan and has had no time to check out the news.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.


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