Death of Boris Nemtsov Ruled a Suicide

Boris_Nemtsov

Photo by Yuri Kochetkov / European Pressphoto Agency

In a surprising new announcement, the special task force assembled by Russian President Vladimir Putin to investigate the untimely death of the prominent opposition leader and outspoken Putin critic Boris Nemtsov revealed today that Nemtsov’s death was a suicide.

“We’ve looked at all angles,” said Mr. Putin’s spokesman Dmitry Peskov. “We’ve reviewed surveillance camera footage, telephone records, actual telephone conversations, personal emails, church confessions, and electro-encephalograms of dreams while Mr. Nemtsov was asleep. It all points to one conclusion. Mr. Nemtsov, unfortunately, put an end to his own life.”

Initial rumors had been that there had been gunmen, who shot Mr. Nemtsov four times in the back.

“Well, there are always rumors and conspiracy theories when a prominent politician with dangerous ideas dies,” admitted Peskov. “Still, the evidence is what it is,” he said.

We inquired for further details.

“Mr. Nemtsov was shot with a Makarov pistol which was registered to him,” said Peskov. “True, the actual registration was indeed done late and, due to bureaucratic delays, actually went through only after his death. Still, the weapon was his, and it only had his own fingerprints on it.”

“The murder weapon was found only a few meters away from his body, in a location, where it would logically bounce off the pavement after Mr. Nemtsov fired four shots into his own back.”

Is there any explanation on possible motivation?

“We believe that the suicide was politically motivated,” stated Peskin. “Mr. Nemtsov had been a staunch opponent of our great irreplaceable leader Mr. Putin, and he likely intended to cause doubt, suspicion and unrest among the citizens of our country, ultimately aiming to undermine Mr. Putin’s un-undermineable authority.”

He cautioned to anyone, Russians, Americans, and other nationalities alike, to exercise caution in passing judgment.

“Rumors that this may have been anything other than suicide are dangerous ideas,” he said. “We don’t want anyone else killing themselves over expressing, or even entertaining such ideas in their thoughts.”

Mr. Putin personally expressed regret over the loss of such a charismatic enemy, but said that the investigation is now closed and no one ever again would have to look into it or question its authenticity.

News Sense News

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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