Two Infinitely Polite People Get Stuck at a Mall Entrance

Westfield_Mall

The start of the new year 2014 presented an unprecedented challenge to two complete strangers, Rosy Levin and Justin Tunn, who had both, independently, decided on a New Year’s Resolution of being mindful, caring and polite toward others.

Rosy and Justin just happened to walk towards the same entrance of Westfield Mall in San Francisco last year, in the morning of January 2nd, 2014. Both had been planning to take advantage of post-new-year’s sales that they expected to find when they walked in.

Except that they could not walk in. As both of them approached one of the entrances at the same time, each stood to the side, so the other one could walk in first.

“My first impulse was to just barge in, as I normally did back in 2013,” recounted Jason. “And then I remembered my new year’s resolution. I wanted to leave this kind of inconsiderate behavior in the past. So, I stepped aside for Rosy.”

“Same here,” said Rosy. “I wasn’t going to just walk in and take advantage of someone who was so polite. That would start my new year with the wrong attitude.”

Justin and Rosy stood out of each other’s way for a while, each urging the other to walk in first. Trying to be a gentleman, Justin held the door open for Rosy, but when Rosy realized he is getting tired, she took over so he could rest. They kept switching throughout the day.

“It was a cold day,” Jason recounted. “I noticed Rosy was shivering slightly. So, I called Macy’s in the mall, and asked one of their employees to deliver to the West Exit a down parka, thermal tights, warm gloves and a furry Siberian “Ushanka” hat for Rosy. Got her size right the first time!”

“Jason was getting hungry,” remembered Rosy. “I could hear his stomach rumble. So, I called the mall food court and had them deliver a portion of Tandoori Chicken and two samosas.”

It got trickier at night. Jason was able to order a small foldable cot and a sleeping bag, and the two polite strangers kept taking shifts jumping in and of the bag so each could catch a few z’s. In the sleepy confusion of the early morning hours they mistakenly crawled into the bag together and slept for several hours on top of each other before Rosy woke up and extricated herself from under Jason, embarrassed.

For several days, they helped hide each other with a large towel while one of them at a time was taking sponge baths or changing their underwear and clothes. After a week, they had no choice but to purchase a small portable shower with a water heater and started giving each other soap baths behind a shower curtain.

In early Spring, Rosy discovered with surprise that she was expecting. She shared the exciting news with Jason, who quickly called Tiffany’s to order a pair of platinum rings. Rosy was able to arrange for a small, intimate wedding ceremony, which was catered for free by Cullen’s Fine Dining, one of the upscale restaurants in the Mall.

Their daughter Jessica Amelie Dunn was born in early October, with Oshkosh donating free baby clothes and sippy cups to the young couple who they had been seeing stand at the West mall entrance for the last 10 months.

On Thanksgiving, River Oaks Bar and Grill provided turkey for the family, and the mall offered free delivery for all of their holiday shopping since delivery distance was less than a quarter mile.

As New Year 2015 rang in, Jason, Rosy and Jessica, the latter one providing her opinion via “waa” and “bdbdbd” sounds, settled on a new new year resolution. They gave up on the polite courtesy of who would enter the mall first, and moved, instead, to a small suburban home which they had been able to negotiate over the phone.

Broken Elevator Ruins New Year Resolutions

Weight-Lifting-Workout

Several dozen members of the Thighs of Steel Gym in Brooklyn, NY, started their new year with disappointment after a broken elevator at their gym prevented them from starting the new year with a workout.

“Disappointment doesn’t even begin to describe it,” complained an animated Dina Cliff, a loyal member of the gym since the late 1990s. “I had been looking forward to this day for more than two years. I promised myself back at the end of 2012 that 2015 will be a year of active, regular exercise. And today, I found out that the elevator to my gym is broken. What am I supposed to do? Take the stairs?”

The popular gym occupies the spacious third floor of a large sports complex. The ground floor houses a swimming pool, and the floor above it houses basketball courts.

“I joined this gym because it has a large and convenient parking lot,” said New York resident Charlie Guttendobber. Most other gyms close by don’t have parking lots, and you need to park a quarter mile away to get to them. Who is going to walk a quarter mile just so they can exercise?”

Thighs of Steel has other amenities too. It features convenient moving walkways allowing patrons to commute between different gym equipment without the inconvenience of walking. There are also bellhops that help patrons carry their gym bags from their cars to the locker rooms.

There is, however, a single elevator. And when on January 1, 2015, it broke down, dozens of gym patrons got stranded in the lobby, unable to get to their planned exercise.

The gym is looking to urgently hire emergency personnel who can help carry patrons on their backs up and down the stairs while the elevator is being fixed. They are also investing in an infrastructural improvement of the building that would allow installation of escalators which can be used as an alternative if the only elevator fails again.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to, well, make fun of things.