Late Monday night, David Kauffman from Burlington, VT was pulled over by a traffic officer because he drove too close to a “perfect slalom-style trajectory”.
“No one follows a zig-zag this perfectly,” recounted traffic police officer Lenard Perry. “Typical Vermont drivers would deviate from a zig-zag substantially, some even driving as far from it as along a direct straight line.”
The officer’s hunch paid off. It soon became clear that Mr. Kauffman suffered from a condition known as “insufficient sobriety.”
“It was indeed too insufficient,” said the officer. “At that level of sobriety, people should really be driving no more than zero miles.”
Sobriety is measured by the amount of blood a typical Vermont resident has in their alcohol system. According to the law, one must attain a minimum of 99.2% of blood in order to drive. Lower percentage of blood is considered illegal in the state.
“Mr. Kauffman’s alcohol system had blood levels that were below the legal limit,” said Perry.
Further investigation revealed that Mr. Kauffman had exercised too few restraints as he was replenishing his alcohol levels at a local bar.
“He simply said ‘no, thank you’ to drinks too few times,” said Perry. “Responsible residents must make sure that there are enough of these ‘no-thank-you’s’ over the course of an evening so that their blood levels remain at the state legal levels.”
Mr. Kauffman has been hospitalized at a blood-enhancement facility until his blood levels are back to normal.
– – –
News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to, well, make fun of things.