Junior Kentucky Senator Rand Paul to Use Prayer to Combat Global Warming

Rand_Paul

Republican conservative and Tea Party favorite Randall Howard “Rand” Paul today reached out simultaneously to several of his potential target voter communities — the deeply religious, the fiscally conservative, and the relatively educated — by announcing his plans to use prayer as a free and effective tool to combat global warming.

“I can no longer close our eyes to a problem that threatens the disappearance of our species,” said in an interview the former ophthalmologist. “The Tea Party is on its way to becoming extinct. We have to act, and to act now.”

Mr. Paul has only recently warmed up to the idea of climate change.

“It is true, and I would be the first to admit it, that I did not subscribe to the story of global warming myself. But, the political climate appears to have changed,” he said.

What changed the presidential hopeful’s mind?

“It was a sign from God,” said Paul, addressing his religious audience. “A tree got struck by lightning in one of my houses. It could have fallen directly on top of the beautiful colonial building and destroyed its Spanish shingles, but instead, it fell the other way, right between the golf course and the tennis court.”

How did this event relate to Global Warming?”

“Not directly, of course. But, when this lightning struck, two things went through my mind. First, I thought God was trying to tell me something. I pray every day. I am not the kind of person God would be striking with a lightning unless He has something important to tell me.”

“And second, even though God wanted to tell me something, it was clear that He didn’t want to punish me. He was kind enough to spare me any conversations with my insurance company. So, He only wanted me to see this as a sign, and then interpret it.”

How did the young politician interpret this sign?

“I went back into the house relieved, and the first thing I saw on TV was Fox News praising numerous arrests of protesters at a rally against Global Warming. I realized this was the sign.”

What did this sign tell the Tea Party favorite?

“It told me that there is a significant part of the voter base that cares about Global Warming,” he said. “The number of people in this rally was hundreds of times more than attendance at any of my speeches.”

“I am now a believer in Global Warming,” he clarified explicitly to make sure the most numerous portion of his target audience actually understands his position.

So, what is his plan?

“Global Warming can be addressed in only one way that is financially feasible,” said Paul, emphasizing the point he was trying to make and simultaneously addressing both his religious and his fiscally conservative listeners. “We must pray.”

We asked if he would consider the same approach to address other issues on his electoral list of concerns, such as, for example, Obamacare.

Paul laughed. “Come on! Obamacare is not something I would leave in God’s hands.”

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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