Ku Klux Klan Document Reveals Penis Envy to be the Main Reason for Klan

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William and Madison Bailey were in for the surprise of their lives when a condemned house they just purchased in Pulaski, Tennessee was found to contain a cache of old Ku Klux Klan documents dating back to 1864 behind a secret double wall.

The documents seemed to have been written by General George W. Gordon, a Civil War general who practiced law in Pulaski and is considered by many to be the group’s spiritual founder, writing its “Precept”, or constitution, which conceptualized the group’s goals and principles.

Among multiple work-in-progress drafts of the Precept itself, several notebooks were found that appear to have been used by Gordon as a journal or diary. These contain the most valuable information revealing Mr. Gordon’s thoughts and feelings related to the formation of the Klan.

One passage describes Gordon’s moment of “awakening” when he saw a Black man urinate in the bushes.

“That [man’s] penis was so large,” he wrote, “extending more than 6 inches in its flaccid state, that my head began to spin. I compared it to my normal 2.5 inch [penis], which, I know, is the normal size for a man, and it dawned on me that maybe all [Black men] have penises so abnormally large.”

Gordon then made it a goal to find out if his suspicion was true. He followed Black men, drilled peek-holes in the wooden walls of outhouses, and soon had enough visual data that confirmed his theory.

“What I feared most is true,” he wrote in the summer of 1865. “All [Black men] have enormous penises. I have not found even one to be of normal size like mine.”

He shared his discovery with General Nathan Bedford Forrest, a lieutenant general of the Confederate Army who later became the group’s first official leader. Mr. Forrest apparently replied:

“F*ck that sh*t. We gotta put a stop to that.”

That summer, George W. Gordon started to dream of a nation where everyone’s penis was normal size.

“I looked around for a group of like-minded people, and the small and loosely managed KKK founded by a group of veterans of the Confederate army seemed to show most promise,” he wrote.

In 1866, he arranged for a group activity. All existing KKK members would stand in a circle, and urinate together. This, he claims, was the defining moment of the group. This was when he told everyone of the size of Black men’s penises. He found immediate understanding in the group of normal-sized-penises men like himself.

In 1867, the group pledged allegiance to Gordon’s Precept. Their official chapter mandated that only white men were allowed to join the group, but unofficially, there was an additional secret penis-size check for all applicants to ensure that no individuals with “abnormally large” penises would be admitted.

Later that year, following the revelation that some white men did in fact have what he called “Black-sized” penises, the group swore under penalty of death that while the secret penis-check would continue to be an admission requirement, no member would ever mention or write about penises in public, and would instead focus on a message of hatred and intolerance towards Black men.

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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