Chess Player Suspended for Hitting His Fiancée


The United States Chess Federation is suspending its long time favorite star player Shawn “The Pawn” Douglas for punching his fiancée in the shoulder with his fist. Douglas’ violent act was recorded on a security camera in the parking lot of Pottery Barn, where the couple had been shopping for what they referred to as “elegant dinnerware”.

“We had come here to get a set of new wine glasses, silk cloth napkins, and ivory napkin rings,” Douglas’ fiancée told reporters.

““We love this store,” chimed in Douglas. “We look for simplicity and style when it comes to household items.”

The couple stood side by side, holding hands. Yet, behavioral experts analyzing the recorded video of their interview swear by their honesty that they sense tension and uneasiness between the two.

“How can there not be discomfort,” said relationship expert Sean Rice. “An act of battery took place. Who knows how often this happens in their household.”

Douglas has declined to comment in light of possible charges that may be pressed against him.

Douglas’ fiancée, Michael Gerard Tyson, a nine-time world heavy-weight champion of professional boxing was similarly silent. Legal experts believe that he may have been advised to refrain from commenting until the inevitable punch-line starts to show.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that likes to, well, make fun of things.


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